January 08, 2009

'Trouble never leaves you where it found you'

I was down, had hit rock-bottom. Had quit my college, almost. Even during the rehab time, had no intentions to come back until. I had lost weight, confidence, happiness, enthusiasm and self-worth. Had given up. Felt helpless, restless, irritated, frustrated... Man, was I depressed!

Thank God I was depressed. Thank God I had hit rock-bottom. Thank God I felt so damn restless and helpless. Thank God for showing me how weak and vulnerable I was, before it was too late in life. For, if I hadn't been aware of my weakness, how would I have ever worked upon it!

A little bit more about it, and me: I'm a great guy, usually in high spirits, fun-loving and all. But I was an emotionally insecure and vulnerable individual. I had a million apprehensions, about myself, the world and everything, everybody. My friends were the centrespot of my universe, I derived my sense of self-worth from them. It's fine, alrite. But no, not! That's where the whole problem began...

Here in Bangalore, for the first time I was out of my shell, in the world outside. For the first time I was at a place without my old friends who know me to the core. Ok, being the great guy I'm, here also I made great friends. Sadly, the friend I cherished the most turned me down, too coldly and for too long, and I couldn't take it. Being ignored, treated like I don't exist, totally snatched my pride and sense of self-worth from me. I was devastated, shattered.

Then, then I thought that I've had enough, my weak heart couldn't take it anymore and decided to quit the college. I managed to get a leave instead. Then I dived in to spirituality, and then I came to discover the secrets of life. Wow, just how much I know and understand now, what others don't even think about. I know that I'm the source of my own happiness. Happiness, joy, pride, esteem... All such things that we look for "outside" are actually "inside." Everything is in us.

It is only because of this trouble that I asked for help and got it. Had everything gone fine, I would never have discovered these powerful truths.

God, I'm really grateful for you brought such an experience in my life. Yes, those depressing days were really unbearable, I didn't want to live. But all this hurt, pain and misery was worth the end result. This was a perfect plan that you had laid down, to teach me perhaps the most important lessons in life. I'm really REALLY thankful that you put me through that challenging time and seemingly unbearable hurt and pain, for that has now made me a better person — tougher and stronger, mentally and emotionally, aware of the infinite possibilities that I hold within. YOU have your own way of teaching such lessons, I loved this one. Please accept heartfelt thanks. I love you :-)

And thanks to you too, my beloved friend, who deserted me when I needed you the most. Thanks for making me feel worthless, 'cuz it's only then that I found my worth, within. Thanks for depriving me of joy of your company and pride of being your friend, for only then I found my joy and pride, within. You really don't realise how big a favour you have done to me. Your indifference served me better than your friendship. You were an instrument in God's masterplan to improve me. You have no idea just how damn grateful I'm to you. Thanks, I love you too. Now that you've played that instrumental role in my life, can we be friends again?

“God will always have the last word, which will be GOOD.” — Robert H Schuller

1 comment:

!ove... said...

Since i assume to be that friend of yours...I thank myself for doing that. Anyway...good to hear that you have come back again with the same enthusiasm and strength. All the best!!
Take care