August 01, 2012

Important things to discuss

When I was a kid, I had thought about life only up to class XII. That was the upper limit. Had never imagined a life beyond that age. Then college happened, but those three years proved to be an extension of school life. Two school-time friends and I went to the same college; I got good friends there too. But I remember, when I turned 18, I was dumbstruck. Officially, I was an adult now! When I turned 20, I went through a mid-life crisis of sorts. I ceased to be a teenager and hadn't had an affair yet. I was born single and still am that way, even at the age of 24 1/2.

So long as I was under the impression that school life—and then college life—was the be all and end all of life, I thought friends were all one needed. Now I know better. As a kid, I had never thought a time would come when I'd need someone more than a friend. There's just so much to talk! Like when I return to my room at 1-2 am after a long day at work, the only ones to greet me are cockroaches and lizards. I'm still ok with lizards, but cockroaches scare me. In fact, they charge towards me. I had recently read in a book that animals understand our thoughts. So, I mentally requested the cockroaches (mind you, requested; I'm so polite) to vacate my kitchen. They didn't oblige. Looks like they haven't read that book. For long, they have been gorging upon tomatoes, bananas and all in my kitchen. One day, I found a cockroach in a cup of Shreekhand that I had bought! That was it. Beware the fury of a patient man, they say. Now, I want to go for a cockroach genocide. It's either me or them in that room.


See, if I had my life partner, I would have spoken to her about such stuff instead of writing it here. Although I have super awesome friends, who'd listen to me and exhort me to f***. the cockroaches, screw their moms  (you know how gaali-spewing guys speak; I'm not one of them, though) and all, now I feel the need for someone who is more than a friend. There are so many other things to talk about!


For example, how my heart bleeds when I see a new scratch on my bike. Then, the dumb, idiot, jerks who live in the same building as I do perhaps think my bike is their sofa. They'd land their fat asses on my bike's seat and twist and turn its mirror assembly as if it's their dressing table. The day I see someone on my bike, no matter whether the offender is a he or a she or a kid or an uncle, I'll insult the loser so badly that they'd change their way if they see me coming from the opposite direction. Bloody idiots! Then there are are irritating kids in the building, who call me "uncle"! GRRR...


I need to crib about so many things. Like how end-of-season sale is going on and I'm broke. 50% off! 70% off! My purse says, "F*** off!" Had my girl listened to my heart-wrenching tale, she'd have handed me wads of cash and said: "You need not return it. What is mine is yours." I can't expect my friends to pull off such a stunt. Collectively, they owe me Rs43,800. Damn!


And a girl has to have a TV. I'd have gone to her place to watch WWE shows. Tomorrow, WWE Raw telecasts its 1,000th episode and will see Shawn Michaels coming out of retirement for a day to reform DX with Triple H. Brock Lesnar returns after three months to answer Triple H's challenge. The Rock returns. I have missed just so much in WWE as I don't have a TV! Bret "Hit Man" Hart returned after a 13-year gap. DX reunited in 2009. The Undertaker and Kane had a buried alive match! The Rock hosted WrestleMania 28 and then sparred with John Cena for a year. I've missed just so much! All because of her.


Then, it's been four years since I moved out of house and how I miss savouring dishes that sometimes used to be prepared. How I miss having poori after poori, right out of kadhai! Realising my longing, my girl would have made pooris for me. And bread roll, pav bhajichhole, rajma etc. She'd have invited me to her home and made all this every other... Oops! This blogpost presents an incorrect picture. According to it, I need a life partner to: discuss cockroach genocide; bemoan scratches on my bike; crib about idiots living in my building and kids calling me "uncle"; give me money (wads of cash); watch TV in her house; and cook delicacies for me.


Man! This post will only scare girls away. And I'm good at turning girls away, unintentionally and unwittingly though. When I was 20-21 years old and a very close female friend of two months had stopped talking, I'd plead with her to be friends again. I'd tell her that let's be the way we used to be, I'd take you to Scary House and all. I think if she never got back to me, it's partly because she abhorred its implication—having to go to Scary House.


Yeah, so the point is that I'm not as bad as this blogpost makes me look. Whatever I've written here is only about what I seek to get. I won't write about what I seek to give. That's phenomenal, but don't wanna give girls any reason to love me. As the Boyzone song goes: "Love me for a reason, let the reason be love."