October 21, 2012

Will you pleej merry me? :P

An empty mind is devil's workshop. One day, out of boredom I started reading the matrimonial section in a newspaper. I took it up because I love the way people seek to subtly glorify themselves but end up squarely embarrassing themselves. Eh, my kind of people. NO! Maybe. Hmmm... Leave it.

You must have come across the word "homely" in the matrimonial ads, as in "homely girl". I used to think it meant gharelu, until I learnt it means "unattractive". I wonder, are the people who say their daughter is "homely" being honest about her? Or do they actually believe that homely=gharelu?

I went through the profile of every bride-in-waiting and although I did not find even one that could interest me, some of them were quite interesting. Paragon of oxymoron! Here are the profiles (in Italics, followed by my comments):

NAIDU SPINSTR 54 BA Healthy girl seek any well settl any Cast Ok... (Mind you, she is 54 and yet a girl. And "healthy"? You seriously believe I'm not gonna think she's fat, but just "healthy"? Any well settled, any caste is ok. Hmmm... If you take euphemy out of this profile and write it in calling-a-spade-a-spade style, it will read like this: A 54-year-old overweight aunty is looking for a man, any man, so long as he is rich.)

And this 54-year-old 'girl' is not the only little sister of Peter Pan. There are these women too, forever girls, frozen in time:

# ...40 MSc PhD MNC Attractv girl...
# INTELLIGENT BOOK loving Charming Hindu girl 42yrs...

Then there was this ad: ...Marriage enquiries only from unmarried, divorcees & widowers... (You can apply only if you are unmarried, divorcee or a widower! Abe, aur bacha kaun! Hahaha...)

# I found this one really funny: BRIDE 31 OF Interwedded Parents... ('Interwedded' parents! Oh my God! Hahahaha... This is taking 'attention to details' too far.)

Then there was this one: DOCTOR Parents seek Tall, Handsome God Fearing, Professional Grooms with Clean Habits...
(Clean habits? Like, what do you mean? He shouldn't pick his nose? Not piss on a boundary wall when no one's watching? Take bath every day? Brush his teeth every day? Wear socks without holes? Wash hands before eating? I'm telling you, they won't find such a guy.)

Ads on net
Then some ads on internet too rock. Take this one, for example: Wanted a husband: Protestant Christian, social or educational businessman, pastor, missionary, any national, any ethnicity, including Afro-American; must have education.  IF YOU SEND ONLY YOUR EMAIL ID, IT WILL BE DELETED. I have important info there and I expect the same from you. Read the info first and then respond.  Click on the ad and enlarge it.  My life is dedicated to help the poor.  Thank you. 
(This is the only ad where even Afro-Americans have a scope. Was she eyeing a relative of Obama? Btw, the best thing about this ad is that in the body type section, she has written: "More to love". That's quite suggestive, makes my imagination go wild!)

hi this is Gunasekhar.G i done MBA finance and marketing, previously i worked in apsrtc some reasons i left that job, present i am searching the job and i dont have any family i am single.
(It reminds me of a dialogue of Govinda's sidekick in the movie Sajan Chale Sasural: "Ayyo Raju! Main thoda chhota, thoda mota, thoda kala, thoda ganja, baaki main poora hero maafiq!" To this, Govinda says: "Abe, aur bacha kya!" Hahahaha...)

# I looking beautifull bride (The one who wrote this must be a fan of Transporter. Seedhi baat, no bakwaas.)

# want a mongolian looking bride: Hi I am a decent very handsome 31 y old boy from the south. I am looking for a east or south east girl as my bride. If interested kindly contact me.
(Boy, this man sounds like he has a fetish for women from south-east. Oops! I mean north-east. And, the photo of this self-proclaimed very handsome boy tells me he's a frog-eyed baldy.)

Then, I came across these in a compilation of funny matrimonial ads on India Broadband Forum:

hello.... My name Arthi..... I am a good characterized woman. I want to run my life happily. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon.... who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana........ ???)

I want very simple girl. from Brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

My wife should be as 'Shivani' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain't he?)

I love my partner i marriage the partner ok i search my partner and i love the partner ok thik hai the partner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome" )

I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely' ?)

My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. please you marriage me please please please please please please please (height of desperation! J )

I'm looking out for who lives in Bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

ssc failed three times and worked with private ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)

While I'm poking fun at these ads, I'm not in a cool situation myself. I'll be turning 25 in a couple of months and haven't had even an affair yet. My friends say even the next 25 years will go by like this only if I don't take any drastic steps. Friends are genuinely, sincerely worried. While I'm not gonna take the drastic steps they are suggesting, I indeed need to do something, otherwise I may need to get matrimonial ads published for me. Scary!