A slacker's guide to 'following' New Year's Resolutions

(If you're lagging behind your resolutions, technically you're following them. Congrats already! Where there is a will, there is an excuse. Presenting five of my most effective ones.)

New Year has kicked in and you must be armed with a list of resolutions that you're determined to see through this year. You're pumped up, commitment is at an all-time high and you know like you know that unlike previous years, you're gonna stick to your plan.

Whom are we kidding? Even while vowing to do (or not do) something, we know clearly in the back of our mind that the resolve to stick to the resolution is gonna disappear just like the friends who promised to stay back to help you do the dishes after the party. Benefit from my expert tips on how to go about this whole resolution business.

I wrote this 1 YEAR AGO. Important to reflect. Time to write new goals. Still workin' on that last sumbitch.. 😂

A photo posted by therock (@therock) on Dec 31, 2015 at 11:36am PST

1. Leave margin for error
Don't be too hard on yourself. Most people are adamant they'll begin following the new regime right from Day 1. That's where they err, by overwhelming themselves. There may be slips, and let them be. Suppose you promised yourself you'd stay away from liquor this year. After a week of sticking to the plan, you may find yourself raising a toast to celebrate sobriety. Happens. Force of habit. And old habits die hard. Don't let that embarrass you. Restart. Cheers to that!

2. Procrastinate, if need be
Never mind if your plan got derailed after a week or 10 days. If your friends troll you over it, tell them it was the trial run that failed. That you believe Makar Sankranti (January 14) to be the actual new year according to the Hindu calendar. Or if you feel like you need more time to get started, take your time. Chinese New Year is on February 8. Or, you can start following your resolution from Malayalam New Year, Vishu. It falls sometime in April. So you can be mentally prepared to embrace the lifestyle change you want to bring about. I'd put Ugadi/Gudi Padwa too in the list, but it falls around Vishu. Get innovative if you need more time. Holi, Diwali, Christmas, you can assign any festival as your starting point. If anybody cries foul, call them intolerant.

3. Rephrase your resolutions
If you choose to follow the above two points, your mind might congratulate you on finding a loophole but this guilty conscience doesn't forgive. It sits pretty on moral high ground and pokes you from there. There's a solution for this also: rephrase your resolution. Instead of saying "I'll go to gym every day," or "I will not even touch junk food," let your resolutions be "I'll think of going to gym every day," and "I will try not to have much of pizza and burgers when they offer heavy discount, such as buy 1-get 1." This way, if you succeed in hitting the treadmill, you should congratulate yourself for exceeding your expectations. In case you can't go to gym for a few days, you'd at least have thought of it. So resolution fulfilled, guilty conscience etc taken care of. 

4. Get a partner-in-crime
Birds of a wing flock together. And they should. Find yourself a partner whose commitment level is similar to yours. If you're a go-getter, disciplined person and have a slacker for a friend, he/she might pull you down by the sheer magnetism of the all-powerful laziness they revel in. Or, if you're one of those who take it easy but have a friend who's committed to their goal like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are committed to each other, you may find their determination overwhelming you and demoralising you. Stay friends with such people, but don't discuss your resolutions with them. Find someone who's in your league.

5. Don't tell social media
Why'd you want to put yourself under pressure by declaring on Facebook that you plan to quit smoking! Or that you'll get fit or get up early morning instead of staying up till early mornings. The next time you're standing with your colleagues who're fagging and you naturally begin to crave a puff, you'll be left just feeling sorry for yourself. Helpless. Facebook friends are trolls-in-waiting. They are like sharks that smell blood the moment you announce your resolutions. Beware! You might not want to give them a chance to put you down when the inevitable happens.

On a serious note...
The bottomline is, stay realistic. It's definitely good to aim to get fit, to quit smoking, eat healthy etc, it's important that you don't overwhelm yourself. Psychologists say most people fail to stick to their resolutions because they were not committed to it in the first place. Don't confuse your wish with your resolution. Don't expect to get ripped in three-four months, but do hope to get in a better shape. Choose practical goals, only a few, and focus your energy on them. Like I said above, old habits die hard. Got to kill them harder. That needs perseverance. And that is available only to those who are genuinely committed to their goals. Bringing in lifestyle changes needs deep commitment, and it will come only over a period of time. Maybe after a couple of failed attempts. Keep going, hardwork always pays off.

How I miss Bangalore!

You can take the boy out of Bangalore, but you can't take Bangalore out of the... Wait. Why'd you take the boy outta there, in first place!

How I miss that slice of paradise! Been almost a year since I left my karmbhoomi for my janmbhoomi. While it's good to be home, it's a bummer not to have darshinis every 200 metres. What passes for sambhar up North makes me want to cry. The plastic spoon broke when I tried to dig into an idli.

Even street dogs don't chase me at night in Dehradun. Here, they merrily wag their bushy tails at human beings. No loud, frightening calls of "soppu" or "nighty nightyyyy nightyyyyyy" to wake me up every morning. No drums of panaka and majjige placed outside every temple on Ram Navami and other festivals. No bandh every few months. Leaving namma Bengaluru has left a Lalbagh-sized void in my life.

I had first come to the Silicon Valley of India at the age of 20, for my post-graduation in journalism. Upon completing the course, choosing to work in Delhi was natural, it being the prime news hub and just six hours from home (roughly the same time it takes to negotiate Mysore Road in moderate traffic). So I sent my bike, books and stuff back to Doon and took a train to the national capital. The moment I stepped under the merciless May sun at New Delhi railway station, I realised what a mistake I had made.

After enjoying The Garden City's cool, pleasant, Bollywood-romantic climate for 10 months, I couldn't possibly live anywhere else. So, I took my bike, tons of books and guitar to Bangalore again and came back for good. Got a job, earned my stripes and fell in love with the city all over again.

It was my sheer luck I lived near Basavanagudi. There was everything one could ask for around my room. All types of eateries (where you can sit, not sit, only levitate), flower markets, three dingy bars, even a wholesale wine shop and a hospital whose speeding ambulance rammed into me one night.

I'm not complaining. If it wasn't for living in this part of the city, I might never have known what a taste-riot Davangere benne dosa is (slurrrrp!). I might never have known there's more to life than masala dosa-plain dosa. There's open dosa, neer dosa, khali dosa, set dosa, I'm-forgetting-its-name-but-it-rocks dosa... And when I thought my palate was satiated, I learnt about 99 dosa!

I'd wait for Tuesdays and Saturdays as that's when my nearest darshini would make bisibele bath. From "bhaat" to "bath", it was quite a learning, and unlearning, curve. Like finding out that a North Karnataka dish is called "paddu". Same for thatte idli.

Lost & found in translation

I'm not mocking. Cannot. Just highlighting the amusing, comical discoveries a non-Kannadiga makes in Bangalore. Like the word "chumma". A semi-cheesy, arguably sleazy slang for "kiss" in Hindi, it assumes an innocuous meaning—"non-sense"—in Kannada. It's a delight to hear the local people saying "chumma", stress on the second syllable, to express frustration.

Then there's "ma". A gentleman in my office (he's actually a gentle man, unless he gets really pissed off) would address almost every girl as "ma". "You got my story? Any doubt, ma? Ok, ma." That sounds so cute! And the way local people hold their hand in thumbs-up gesture while asking something. It makes the uninitiated wonder what's wrong. Over time they observe nothing's wrong. And such discoveries make for such an aha moment!

After six years of living in Bangalore, I consider myself a Bangalorean. I am. When my friends here ask me if "Kannad" is spoken in Karnataka, I cut them off and tell them it's "Kannada". I miss the city when my friends in Bangalore brag about the lovely weather and post pics of flower-laden trees. The Bangalorean in me quit supporting RCB when it dropped Rahul Dravid and Anil Kumble for players from other states.

As you live in Bangalore, soak in its culture, its manners, its lifestyle, the city endears you to itself no end. Like the fascinating sight of autorickshaws—and sometimes puny bikes—plying around with huge banana trees strapped to them on Ayudh Pooja. Even auto drivers' gimmick of refusing to go on hire and nonchalantly driving away into the horizon starts seeming funny after a point.

For the auto drivers' serious swag, for the irresistible 99 dosa stalls, for the high of loitering on Brigade Road and for endless reasons one can point out, Bangalore is awesome. Always will be. 

“And wherever I wander, this one thing I've learnt
It's to here... I will always, always return” — Bryan Adams in I'll Always Return

I like my sense of humour :)

I perhaps underrate my sense of humour. A dear friend of mine from school sent me an excerpt from an old email of mine, reminding how funny I can be in unassuming manner. She's one of those rare people like me who enjoy reading and writing long emails. Nine-ten years ago, when we were in college, we used to exchange mails regularly. Lonnnnnnggg emails. This para is from one of those mails:

Really bad that you missed the cut-off by just 7 marks. You see, when I was in 8th class I went to Bilaspur to represent our school in 50 metre freestyle (swimming; at regional level sports) and missed the qualifying time for national by just 2 seconds . So I understand what it means to lose by narrow margin. (Though in reality I missed the qualifying time by 20 seconds, but after studying the topic 'significant figures' I don't give any importance to 0s anymore).

Hahahaha... I'm awesome. By the way, I believe I had missed the qualifying time by two seconds. I think I'd included this 'significant figures' theory only for the purpose of amusement. I miss writing long emails. 

I think the longest I wrote had 5,562 words. I'm sure it was never read. I wrote that in my journalism college. And I had such a hard time meeting the 3,000-words requirement of my master's thesis! Years later, it was normal for me to write 2,000/3,000-word-long mails. And how I loved that! Now there's no one to write to! Man, this is not good.

Why I'm still single

I'm 27. Most of my friends are either married or about to tie the knot. One even had his first child two months ago. But I am still single. Born single. Pehle main bahut pareshan tha. Meri billi bhi mujhse door bhaag jaati thi. I used to ask, "Why me?" Now I realise why me. Because I'm stupid.

Since relocating to my hometown seven months ago, a college friend (a sweet, lovely, SINGLE girl!!) and I have been planning to meet. To woo her, I should plan a fun outing, right? Right. And where was I planning on taking her, until a few minutes ago? To watch the unintentional comedy film MSG: The Messenger of God. Decided this after reading its reviews online. They sport these headlines:

Watch this only if your survival depends on it (Hindustan Times | Read review)
It's the Pitaji of 'so bad it's good', with crackpot writing, direction and acting  (FirstPost | Read review)

It's rating:
Hindustan Times: 0.5/5 (Given to acknowledge the effort of making the film)
The Indian Express: No stars

Just imagine. After seven years, and first time since I started hitting on her, I'm meeting a pretty girl and I take her to a movie whose hero' has curly arm hair that can trap legions of mosquitoes.

That's suicidal. That's why I've never had a girl. Friend. Girlfriend. (Bolne me hi sharam aati hai :P)

Isspider man, Isspider man
Showing a trashy film to a gal pal, hoping she too will love it (and will get impressed with my choice), is a mistake I've made once. This girl doesn't talk to me now.

Exactly one year ago, on the eve of Valentine's Day, this friend visited my house in Bangalore to chill. (V-Day wasn't the reason.) She's beautiful, charming and warm. And single. And what did I do to ensure she has a good time? Played Desi Spiderman on the laptop. She laughed for a couple of minutes, then the movie bored her to sleep. Even when she started dozing off, I didn't have the smarts to bid goodbye to Ispyder bhaiyya and engage her in a conversation. I let her sleep and relished the entire movie. It must have been the third time I was watching that epic movie.

A month later, this friend suddenly stopped talking to me. We hadn't had any spat. She just stopped. I was wondering why. I think now I know. She took out time for me, and I gave her "Ispyder man, ispyder man, toone churaya mere dil ka chain. Dekh ke tere kartab yaara main toh ho gayi teri fan!"

Over the past few months, this girl has started to look more beautiful and charming than ever. When we were friends, we were just friends. Now I'm drawn to her. But all I can do is rue my lost chances. All because of the stupid Ispyder bhaiyya whose chest logo reads "Kanha Milk".

Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam...
My stupidity in the girls' department is legendary. About six years ago, when a friend (girl) snapped ties with me and just won't talk, I sent her an e-mail. It had links of two YouTube videos. One was yesteryear's ballad: "Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam... Aaj ke baad". The other was: "Chaahoonga main tujhe saanjh-sawere, phir bhi kabhi ab naam ko tere, awaaz main na doonga." And I wasn't trying to be funny. I was earnestly trying to express my dejection.

My profound moronity embarrasses me. No wonder my luck never shone. And it's highly unlikely to shine. Even if a girl gets interested in me (what a joke!), it's gonna be like this, most probably:
She: "Hey, let's go to this pub some day."
Me: "Ummm... How about somewhere else? I find pubs too loud and dingy."
She: "Ok, let's check out this new fine dine restaurant."
Me: "That must be too expensive. Moreover, I don't prefer eating outside."
She: "That's alrite. Where do you want to go?"
Me: "Any South Indian eatery, like Daya Sagar Darshini. Or Indian Coffee House. I love their masala dosa."
She: "Hahahaha... Let's meet at Cafe Coffee Day."
Me: "Ok, but I won't have anything there. I don't take tea-coffee."
She: "Get lost."

Grammar Nazi
My situation looks bleak. Not only because of my eccentricities, but also because I'm a journalist. A girl who speaks/writes incorrect English, immediately rejected. Only Pakistani cricketers can make bad English look cute (see this). 

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
—John Illsey Clarke

P.S. Click here to watch Desi Spiderman on YouTube. You'll love it!

What women want

The world would be so much happier if men knew how to impress women. No, spraying deo doesn't help. A sweet-smelling jerk will still be a jerk. So, what can guys do to get attention of women, besides being rich and handsome?

We need to know women's viewpoint. Guys helping each other out in this regard doesn't inspire confidence. When one of my best friends wanted to celebrate the second month anniversary of his proposal-acceptance and was wondering what to gift her, I suggested buying a kilogram of potatoes or onions. I reasoned it's so different, so freaky that she'll remember it forever. I think I had almost talked him into buying it. But there's a fat chance my idea might not have worked. 

A few days ago, I was chatting with a girl-friend (a hot girl I have a crush on, not girlfriend. Yet.) and she happened to mention a few traits of men that attract her. She mentioned just one, but I, like a good journalist, got her talking and came out of this interview like a diver who emerges out of a sweet-water sea with a pocketful of pearls. Aha! Nice analogy, but too many commas. 

This may not be a one-size-fits-all list, but does give an idea of what may work with girls. (Pssst! She's beautiful, hot and much-in-demand girl. So her thought matters.) Oh, now too many hyphens. Let's get started.

1. Stubble
Her words: "Ya, stubs are a turn on to me. Big time."
But I look like a pickpocket when not clean-shaven.

2. Height
"Tall guy, turn on."
Yay! I'm six feet tall!

Ok, she and I were talking about turn-ons here. Throughout. Not merely things that attract her. I was going to mention "turn-on" in the second para, but thought of making this blogpost PG-friendly. Point 4 will illustrate this post can't be kid-friendly. So I'll let the censoring be. Kids shouldn't be googling "What women want" anyway.

3. Deep baritone
She said she finds manly voice quite a turn-on. I interjected, saying like my voice.
"Your voice is verry cute types
Fatherly
Haha
Its not rough"
Sigh

4. Ass you like it
"A cute small butt
Turn on."
Hahahaha... Reminds me of the Eminem song. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it, I've never seen ass like that, the way you move it," Ok, not the next line of the song. We still gotta maintain some decency. But guys, start running your ass off. 

5. Gummy bears. Kidding. Bear hugs
"Bear hugs turn on"
I thought hugs are just loving. Are they a turn-on to some? Ok, I'm not qualified to answer. Don't have much experience. Oh, do we mean here bear hugs that lead to... What am I... I've... Next point.

6. Hide 'n' Seek. Not the biscuit
"Crooked smiles
Turn on
Crooked matlab hiding while u smile
Coz men usually avoid to smile
Door se chupchupkr dekhna and pretending like u were not looking at me, turn on"
I tried practising in front of a mirror, but haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I grin like The Cheshire Cat.
But this part, looking while pretending not to look, you gotta make sure not to be so discreet that she never finds out you were looking. (This girl never got to know when I checked her out.)

7. Abey khamosh! 
"Asking me to shutup so u could speak, turn on
Hakk jatana, in a good way, turn on
Hakk se daantna, turn on"
I've never asked a girl to shut up. Sigh. Nice guys finish last. (After finishing reading, watch this music video, Nice Guys. It's funny.)

8. Get mad at her
"Kabhi kabhi gussa hona so I can manao, turn on
I am very good at manaoing"
After this chat, I began to realise why I've always been single. I stay polite: don't interrupt when someone's speaking, don't lose temper. God, where's the reward for being good? 

As I was wallowing in self-pity, that observing niceties goes unrewarded, she clarified.
"You shouldnt, agar concern hai toh dikhao, chillao, get mad at me, I like that
Coz I do the same
That's jjust a way of showing love"
I can't lose my temper. I've found it.

9. Intimacy (Yay!)
"I like it when the guy is putting his head on my lap, but once in a blue moon I'd like to put mine on his"
"Back hugs, I like"
continued...
Completely agree. So loving. Sigh... (Why sigh? I'm wallowing in self-pity again.)

10. That dress's inappropriate!
"Asking me to wear something to cover my body, in certain situations, I like
Giving me a long bhashan if am doing something wrong, I like"
By this point, I was thoroughly convinced mera kuch nahi ho sakta. I'm highly unlikely to tell a girl what to wear. About what she's wearing, I'll open my mouth only when she wants to hear she's looking great. Or in the rare case of wardrobe malfunction.
And, if she's doing something I think is wrong, I'll merely tell her my viewpoint no more than two times. Anything more than that, I believe, is nagging. Do I get the brownie points here or does this make me too nice to be, you know? 

11. Chivalry
"Lending me his jacket when am cold"
FINALLY! Oh, I will use all caps here. At last, something about me that works. 

12. Intimacy (...continued)
"Sharing the same blanket
I like to sleep on his chest or one hand
I just love it
Like when two ppl sleep, there shouldn't be a distance
Cuddling or spooning"
continued...
This is a hypothetical plus point for me. Because me getting this close to a girl is a hypothetical situation. But how I'd love to... No! Can't write more. My parents stalk me online and think I'm crazy.


13. Flattery
"I love, absolutely love when a guy kisses on my forehead
Shows the love, concern, respect
If he notices the number of tils, moles or marks I have all over my body
It just shows how much hes been noticing me
Feels good"
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Showering affection. Love, concern, respect. Paying attention, noticing. My saving grace. 

14. PDA
"I like to hug from the side if we are in public and just standing
Looks cute
So my head on the chest or arm of the guy, if it's the other way round, even better
Like i said, I can be motherly all the time
It's weird though
But I like it"
I can just let out a cold sigh. Totally agree with her. Another hypothetical plus point to me.

15. Sadda haq, what the Donald Duck!
"I like to hakk jamao and say ki do this, do that, this is better and all
I want to point out things
I like it
But if it's the other way round, even better"
We're treading on thin ice here. There's a fine line between hakk jamana and nagging. As I go by the mantra of "Better safe than sorry", I'm not sure how I'll fare here.

16. What?!?
"I Do this alot, not talking but still doing usual things when am mad..haha"
I don't get it. What? That's why they say, it's tough to understand a woman.

17. Walk and talk
"Long walks, I can never get bored
Talk talk and talk, I like it when two ppl talk things all the time
Even if it includes arguing
Argumenting is my department"
Thank you, God. I'm infamous for making friends walk. When a friend comes to visit me from another city, usually another warns him about not letting me talk him into going for a walk. 
Arguing, ummm... I like being amicable all the time.

18. Careless whisper. Nah, just careless
"He should be careless about his stuff, so am there to take care off"
And my roommates know me for keeping even months of read newspapers so immaculately in a stack that one would think they're fresh out of press. Growing up, I had read a quote that impressed me: "A place for everything, everything at its place." This quote should have had an asterisk, saying "Conditions apply." Time for me to let out another sigh.

19. Be a sissy. Sorry. Fussy
"So guys act all tough when in public with their frnds but act like total fussy kids in front of their girls, love it
So u know how much he looks upto u"
How do I relate to this tough-fussy paradox! I play the fool with my friends all the time and have never had a girl. Wait! Playing the fool always? Maybe that's why none of the girl-friends ever became interested to be the girlfriend. (The real reason: I made all the girl-friends sister. By the time I wisened up and stopped making sisters, new friends started making me their brother. #KyaKaregaPanduJabKismatHai_____)

20. Ask her out. Not that way
"Oh I like when am asked for my opinion on something imp"
Yeah, yeah. Massaging the ego, giving the feeling of importance. I'm really good at that. I'm awesome at it.

21. Pappis
"Every sane girl, would choose pecks over kisses"
And every insane guy would choose pecks over kisses. Hahahaha...
Ok, just kidding.

Points 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 15, 16, 18 and perhaps 19 too are not in my favour. Considering we've listed intimacy twice, there are 20 points. Even if I claim benefit of doubt for the hypothetical-situation questions, I score less than half the points. No wonder, all girl-friends are sisters. Mera kya hoga!

Why did I include point 4 here! #thinkingoutloud #nevermind #amicrazy #notetoselfshutup. Ah, too many hashtags.

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin

An amazing sex query

Here, I'm going to paste a query that appeared in 'Ask the sexpert' column of Bangalore Mirror, November 20 edition. The tabloid owns the following content and I claim no copyright. It's just so funny! Here, go through it:

Question: I am 19 years old and my husband is 32. We have sex every morning. When he was out of town for a few days, I masturbated with a banana. Once, the cook saw this. I was too excited to control myself, so I had sex with him. His penis was much larger than my husband's, so I enjoyed it. During the process, we got wild and I bit his penis hard. Is there a possibility of it breaking? If yes, is there a home remedy for it? Since his penis was larger, is it possible that my vagina has expanded?

Answer: Your vagina will not expand. You really cooked the cook's penis. Fortunately, there is no bone in the penis for it to fracture.

Hahahaha... It's just so damn stupid and funny! One of those things that really make you LOL, i.e. laugh out loudly. 

And, don't assume that I go through that Sexpert column. Some friends showed this question to me. They claim another friend of ours had sent that question to the tabloid. Now, this friend who reportedly sent this question—this friend, a girl, denies sending it—is famous for her childlike/childish antics. That's why this amazing query gains even more significance if it comes from her. She has been vehemently denying it, but I'm not gonna give her the benefit of doubt. I mean this is heights of vellapanti! Banana, for God's sake! Hahahaha... And cook, biting his member hard, broken organ, home remedy!! Oh my God! Dumb-stupid-wild imagination. Hats off to the writer. Hahahaha... Reportedly, this cute li'l girl who has been accused of sending that query had written a four-page description of the steamy act. I'm trying to get hold of the uncensored, detailed description. Didn't know this side of the baby girl's personality. It's such a revelation! I'm in awe of her. Hahahaha... Amazing creativity!

P.S. It's only the question-writer's creativity and imagination that I'm impressed with. I do not approve of using banana. Or cook.

My super-infested room

My friend with whom I live here in Bangalore (a guy, FYI) has got a mobile phone with a nice, 5 megapixel camera. I'm glad he has got that, for, now I can tell you stories I couldn't have told you otherwise. Even I owned a camera phone for a short while (it got stolen) and have shot manyyy candid pics and videos. Oh, I love my collection. The point is, it's good to have a camera.

Today, I want to take you to the place I live. Actually, there is something particular about where I live that I want to show you. So, let the games begin...

 

A colony of cockroaches was breeding under a small stone slab kept near the sink. I was like, "Eeeekss!" Next picture. So, you see, I'm not complaining about a cockroach in my room. I'm talking about the entire clan of the cockroachdom. It's too much, even for a loving and accommodating guy like me.

This is the view of a baby lizard and a cockroach that died a premature death when I, or my friend, closed the kitchen door. The cockroach's body has almost decomposed/fed ants, but the lizard's body is still stuck there. Been a month or more, I guess. I find it too yucky to scrape it out.

It was this cockroach whose death evoked sympathy in me. This dude's leg got crushed when I or my friend closed the door. Think of it, his leg was squashed, but he was alive. What's even worse is that he couldn't move; his leg was stuck, it was not severed. He kept trying to get away for about a couple of days and then, alas, he died. RIP, dear friend. I really feel sorry for you. I couldn't make up my mind—should I severe his leg and set him free or should I crush him and relieve him from pain forever? Before I could decide, he passed away. I really felt sorry.

After seeing the following picture combo, maybe you'll understand why I declared a war against the cockroaches.

Yeah, the biggest picture is of a small, caterpillar-ish worm that was inside a french bean. I noticed it floating on water in the cooker, just before I was about to close the lid and start cooking. Phew! Got saved in nick of time. The next picture, of a cockroach floating in my cooker... GRRR! That was the one that pushed me over the edge. That cockroach was in the packet of red chilli powder. When I sought to sprinkle some chilli powder into the cooker, the cockroach tumbled out. That did it and I decided to annihilate the entire cockroach species in my room.

What happened next was captured on video. There is a small enclosure kind of thing near the sink in the kitchen, cockroaches' haven. When I return to my room after work at night and open the kitchen's door, they'll be there, gorging on my tomatoes, bananas and what not. Nobody steals my food and goes scot free. Beware the fury of a patient man. After seeing too many cockroaches all around, I put some sheets of a newspaper in that enclosure and set them afire. The idea was to suffocate them so that they come out from there and then I was to toss them outta my kitchen. However, looked like I put way too many papers and the cockroaches got burnt. But I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. I didn't object to them living in my room without paying any rent, but I can't tolerate them eating my food. Without my permission. Not that I'd have permitted them had they asked. So, some cockroaches got burnt unintentionally. You could tell some got burnt from the smell. One lucky chap emerged outside, alive. I called my friend. He beat up that cockroach with his slipper. But we were not done. We thought that maybe there are some more cockroaches who are out and maybe they would return later. To send them a message, we took the carcass of that slippered cockroach, put it on a note and put the entire thing in the cockroach's 'home'. Here's how it looked:

 

Wuhuhahahahaha... (my 'sister' taught me this 'devilish laugh'). Ever since we left this warning note with poor Mr Roach's body in the Roach colony, I haven't come across another cockroach in my kitchen. The plan worked. Offence is the best defence. Survival of the fittest, baby.

Yeah, there still are small cockroaches in my kitchen. Yesterday I found one in the packet of daal and today saw half a dozen of them in the rack where I keep utensils. But I think they haven't left the kitchen because they are too young and can't yet read, maybe that's why they couldn't make out what's written on the warning note. I hope they get lost from my kitchen soon, otherwise I'll have to unleash my fury again.

And if you think cockroaches and lizards are all I have to deal with, you are so wrong. We have shot a video of how a pigeon entered our room last week and patiently stood outside the toilet, which was occupied, for some time. As the person inside the toilet took his own sweet time to come out, the pigeon shit on my friend's white bedsheet, among other places in our room. That's not all. Moreover, pigeons don't just rest on the window pane of our room (it's on third floor), they often enter our room! Just because I feed them rice grains, they are taking such liberties! Seeking to use our toilet, wanting to rest under fan on a hot day. 

And I don't know if I should talk about our suspicion that a snake has died in the drain pipe of our kitchen sink. We are not sure, so I won't speak of it.

Will you pleej merry me? :P

An empty mind is devil's workshop. One day, out of boredom I started reading the matrimonial section in a newspaper. I took it up because I love the way people seek to subtly glorify themselves but end up squarely embarrassing themselves. Eh, my kind of people. NO! Maybe. Hmmm... Leave it.

You must have come across the word "homely" in the matrimonial ads, as in "homely girl". I used to think it meant gharelu, until I learnt it means "unattractive". I wonder, are the people who say their daughter is "homely" being honest about her? Or do they actually believe that homely=gharelu?

I went through the profile of every bride-in-waiting and although I did not find even one that could interest me, some of them were quite interesting. Paragon of oxymoron! Here are the profiles (in Italics, followed by my comments):

# NAIDU SPINSTR 54 BA Healthy girl seek any well settl any Cast Ok... (Mind you, she is 54 and yet a girl. And "healthy"? You seriously believe I'm not gonna think she's fat, but just "healthy"? Any well settled, any caste is ok. Hmmm... If you take euphemy out of this profile and write it in calling-a-spade-a-spade style, it will read like this: A 54-year-old overweight aunty is looking for a man, any man, so long as he is rich.)

And this 54-year-old 'girl' is not the only little sister of Peter Pan. There are these women too, forever girls, frozen in time:

# ...40 MSc PhD MNC Attractv girl...
# INTELLIGENT BOOK loving Charming Hindu girl 42yrs...

Then there was this ad: ...Marriage enquiries only from unmarried, divorcees & widowers... (You can apply only if you are unmarried, divorcee or a widower! Abe, aur bacha kaun! Hahaha...)

# I found this one really funny: BRIDE 31 OF Interwedded Parents... ('Interwedded' parents! Oh my God! Hahahaha... This is taking 'attention to details' too far.)

Then there was this one: DOCTOR Parents seek Tall, Handsome God Fearing, Professional Grooms with Clean Habits...
(Clean habits? Like, what do you mean? He shouldn't pick his nose? Not piss on a boundary wall when no one's watching? Take bath every day? Brush his teeth every day? Wear socks without holes? Wash hands before eating? I'm telling you, they won't find such a guy.)

Ads on net
Then some ads on internet too rock. Take this one, for example: Wanted a husband: Protestant Christian, social or educational businessman, pastor, missionary, any national, any ethnicity, including Afro-American; must have education.  IF YOU SEND ONLY YOUR EMAIL ID, IT WILL BE DELETED. I have important info there and I expect the same from you. Read the info first and then respond.  Click on the ad and enlarge it.  My life is dedicated to help the poor.  Thank you. 
(This is the only ad where even Afro-Americans have a scope. Was she eyeing a relative of Obama? Btw, the best thing about this ad is that in the body type section, she has written: "More to love". That's quite suggestive, makes my imagination go wild!)

# hi this is Gunasekhar.G i done MBA finance and marketing, previously i worked in apsrtc some reasons i left that job, present i am searching the job and i dont have any family i am single.

(It reminds me of a dialogue of Govinda's sidekick in the movie Sajan Chale Sasural: "Ayyo Raju! Main thoda chhota, thoda mota, thoda kala, thoda ganja, baaki main poora hero maafiq!" To this, Govinda says: "Abe, aur bacha kya!" Hahahaha...)

# I looking beautifull bride (The one who wrote this must be a fan of Transporter. Seedhi baat, no bakwaas.)

# want a mongolian looking bride: Hi I am a decent very handsome 31 y old boy from the south. I am looking for a east or south east girl as my bride. If interested kindly contact me.
(Boy, this man sounds like he has a fetish for women from south-east. Oops! I mean north-east. And, the photo of this self-proclaimed very handsome boy tells me he's a frog-eyed baldy.)

Then, I came across these in a compilation of funny matrimonial ads on India Broadband Forum:

# hello.... My name Arthi..... I am a good characterized woman. I want to run my life happily. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon.... who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana........ ???)

# I want very simple girl. from Brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

# My wife should be as 'Shivani' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain't he?)

# I love my partner i marriage the partner ok i search my partner and i love the partner ok thik hai the partner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome" )

# I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely' ?)

# My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. please you marriage me please please please please please please please (height of desperation! J )

# I'm looking out for who lives in Bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

# ssc failed three times and worked with private ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)

While I'm poking fun at these ads, I'm not in a cool situation myself. I'll be turning 25 in a couple of months and haven't had even an affair yet. My friends say even the next 25 years will go by like this only if I don't take any drastic steps. Friends are genuinely, sincerely worried. While I'm not gonna take the drastic steps they are suggesting, I indeed need to do something, otherwise I may need to get matrimonial ads published for me. Scary!

Bathroom-water cooking (Don't try this at home)

Issued in public interest

Before monsoon turns Bangalore's roads into rivulets and people start considering buying rubber boats to commute, summers tend to get quite merciless. In summers, water supply in Bangalore becomes like Indian Railways' tatkal tickets: everyone wants, only a lucky few get.

In many localities, people hit the road to stage protest, demanding water. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Indeed. As I did once. No, I didn't go down the road screaming "Dhikkara, dhikkara". When my apartment ran out of water during lunch time, I got water from bathroom to cook.

From the perspective of someone who has been there, done that, I'll advise you not to cook food with water taken from the bucket in your bathroom. No matter what. You wouldn't want to learn the lesson the hard way. 

I was making khichdi on that eventful day. Opened tap in the kitchen for water to boil rice. Damn! Wanted water, got only air. What to do? Vegetables were cut and I was hungry. Heck, I'll have my lunch, I thought and took a mug of water from the bucket in my bathroom and poured in my pressure cooker. Used my bathroom mug, by the way. Put the cooker on gas. My lunch will be ready!

Yeah, baby! The problem solver has done it again. Cometh the hour, cometh the man! Started feeling smug for being so awesome at crisis management. Was busy adorning myself with adjectives such as resourceful, creative and what not when the cooker's whistle interrupted my narcissist thought process.

There was my khichdi. It's aroma wafted as I opened the lid, further heightening my sense of triumph. And, it tasted good! 

Ok. Later that night this headache started troubling me. What crap, I thought. Couldn't even fall asleep for so long. Ok. Woke up abruptly about 8.30 am and went to, well, from where I had taken the water for cooking—my bathroom. And then began the three-hour long, intermittent process of puking, so awful that its vivid description may make you puke. All the effort, the emotions that I had put in making this khichdi went down the drain. Literally.

Revenge

There is one person who rejoiced exceedingly upon learning of my kitchen misadventure. It's alright. He is the first victim of my bathroom-water cooking—my friend whom I had invited for lunch a couple of months ago. Then too the tap was running dry and I had to cook with bathroom water. He made some fuss but then ate it.

Later that day when I was in office, I got a call from him. "Kutte, kameene, tujhe keede padein," he had said along with other expletives, his voice booming in toilet. 

He is jubilant upon learning that I have now suffered the same trauma that I had caused him. His faith in God's justice is renewed. As for me, I never attempted cooking like that again. For the rest of my stay in Bangalore, I chose to be malnourished instead of falling sick. That's why I started looking like a pickpocket, but that's another story.

A man's account of unsolicited male attention in B'lore

When I told my friends during the final days of my college in Dehradun that I'd be going to Bangalore for studies, they predicted I'd revel in the female attention I might get there. I wish they were right.

In Bangalore, people did get drawn to me, wanting to be more than friends. Just that all of them were homosexual men. (Nothing wrong with being gay, just that absolute strangers approaching me out of the blue seems intimidating.) When not being accosted by these gentlemen on MG Road, I've had a pimp on Brigade Road diligently trying to make me avail of his clients' services. I stayed in Bangalore for six years. No girlfriend, just these experiences. Sigh...

Gay: You hungry? I: I've just had bananas :-/
Location: MG Road, Bangalore's hip and happening place.
Time: About 4 pm
I was roaming around on MG Road. Had gone there for some bird-watching (get it, aye?). But well, looks like another kind of bird, a queer one, was watching me there. A thin, young guy (must be in early 20s, wearing three-fourths and had Shaggy-like hair) asked me sheepishly, in a Goofy-like accent, "Dude, are you hungry?" Well, I had just had two bananas, and told him so.

I thought, why would this stranger be concerned whether or not my nutritional requirement has been met? Oh crap! It struck me, maybe he meant the other hunger, not the one the stomach craves for but an organ a few inches below it. Man! And to this guy—who's looking nervous, stupid and desperate—I've told that I've just had 'bananas'! What a jerk am I! (All this thinking happened in a flash.)

He perhaps read too much into my fruit diet and a glimmer of hope replaced nervousness in his eyes. Realising my folly, I just dashed off.

'Hi darling, what do you want?'
Location: The lush, green, vast Cubbon Park. 
Time: A bright, sunny, Friday afternoon
This incident happened when I had gone to watch actual birds, in nature's lap. I thought I should get off the beaten track and explore the hitherto unknown areas of the park. There were couples in every dark corner. One young guy (looked like must have failed all his school exams) felt he and I would make a good couple. He came up to me and said, "Hi darling! What do you want? Come here."

The emotion in his words could give inferiority complex to Shah Rukh Khan. Ruined my experience. I wanted to sit in nature's lap, and there I got accosted by a guy who wanted to sit in my lap. Of course I walked away as fast as I could.

'Come to my hotel room'
Location: Near Press Club, Cubbon Park
Time: About 6 pm
Was waiting for the traffic signal to go green so that I could cross the road. "Excuse me," said a distinctly masculine-looking man in a distinctly feminine-sounding tone. He asked me how to get to a hotel, where he was staying. I told him he could get a bus from near my office, which was just across the road. He dared ask me, "If you are not doing anything, would you like to come?"

S**t! This did him in. Damn it! I told him I'm a journalist and gotta go to office. No sooner than I told him about my occupation, he dropped the idea of catching a bus from across the street and said he would take an auto to his place.

But I don't get it! Why me? I should have been a chick-magnet. Why am I gay magnet instead! I know it's a cliched question but seriously, why?

'Lady hona?'
And if all this was not enough, there's this pimp on Brigade Road. This is where you get to see the young crowd any day. One fine evening past year, I was standing near a fruit shop on the road. Then came a man (in his mid-40s, looked like a typical Bollywood villain) in old, dirty clothes, stood next to me, and asked, "Ready ho na?" (Meaning, are you ready?) Ready for what, I thought, and asked him. He repeated himself. This time I heard him correctly: "Lady hona? College ka lady?" (Want a woman? College-goer?)

Damn it! I just moved away, disgusted. What crap, I was thinking about my sweet, beloved friend there and there's this pimp asking me if I want to screw someone! 

It's not a one-off incident. A few months later too, when I was standing at the same place, gleefully licking the vanilla softy I had just bought, the pimp came again. I moved away before he could say anything. "Hello, listen..." he called me, but I walked away. Every time I go to Brigade Road, that pimp will be there, looking at me. Heck!

Why do they think I'm such a person who'd be interested in, well... 

Once when I shared all this with a school friend (a perfectly sleazy guy), he explained it could be because I've got my left ear pierced. He said left ear piercing is an identifying mark for gay men. I don't know if that's true, but since then I got my other ear pierced too. Thankfully, I've not been approached since. Therefore, I'm happy and gay. 

A walk to remember. Thank you, muggers

Visualise this: late-night walk on empty roads on a moonlit night. Ah... Beautiful, isn't it? No. Not for us Bangaloreans. There's no Batman looking out for us here. Muggers are. I had a shameful and embarrassing encounter with two such gentlemen one fine night, adding another inglorious chapter to my misadventures in Bangalore.

It was 2 am, I was walking towards my apartment in Basavanagudi after finishing work at office (at Indian Express Circle). Yes, in the dead of the night, I chose to walk 9.4 km to my room. Had given my motorcycle for servicing, so the only other option to get to home was taking the office cab. This meant that the commute that takes me 15 minutes on my bike would turn into three-hour Bengaluru darshan. Heck! I was in no mood to travel "cattle class", to different corners of the city, before I'm dropped at my place. Weather was awesome. A cool breeze was flowing and the sky was clear, moon was out (just one day shy of full-moon night). Perfect for a walk. Enough peaceful time, I thought. And so I started my ill-fated walk.

The streets that are jam-packed during day wore deserted look. Only occasionally would some car whizz by. Had walked some two-three kilometre when two ungroomed rookies on a khataara motorcycle approached me and asked time. 2 am, I said. They went. This was at Corporation Circle, an area that stays abuzz with traffic during day. 

Some five-six minutes later, I heard the sound of a motorcycle from behind. Looked back. It were the same ruffians on the motorcycle. They were about 100 metres away when I saw them. They were approaching me. I wondered: "They had just gone from here, what are they doing here again? Do they want to ask time again? What is it?" I stopped walking, waiting to ask them what I could help them with now

The bike stops near me. The guy on the pillion tries to grab my hand. Oh yeah! Now I get it: They are trying to rob me! (When at 2 at night, two loafer-looking people stalk you and try to grab you at an isolated street, you can be sure they are trying to rob you.) So, the guy on the pillion tries to get hold of me. But, come on, am I a dummy that he can do whatever he feels like! He just manages to graze my finger. I run towards the centre of the road. (Untill now I was on footpath, law-abiding pedestrian, even at 2 effing am.) The wannabe mugger runs after me with a foot-long, rusted machete in his hand, and a crooked look on face. And then... The most embarrassing thing happened.

I ran away, screaming "Help! Help!" So shameful! All this was happening in the central part of the city, which keeps seeing a steady stream of vehicles even at night. So, here is what the scene was like: Me standing in the middle of the road, desperately waving at the cars passing by to stop and help; the wannabe muggers standing at some distance, watching if any car would stop to help me. Even though I was frantically screaming for help, no car stopped. But cars kept coming, one after other. So the thugs thought it was better for them to leave. And they left. Phew! Then I hired a cab and reached home. Excitement over.

Now, see, whenever I used to read those crime stories in newspapers that how some person got robbed at knifepoint, I always used to think: "Let somebody try to rob me, I'll thrash them alrite!" In my imagination, I have floored these robbers with my Akshay Kumar-like roundkicks and twisted their arms with Bruce Lee-like manoeuvres. In my dreams, I have actually drawn their blood with their own knives (slashed their palms, to be precise)!

Heroic job. Isn't it? And that day, I had a chance to actualise my dream that I have dreamt so often. Imagine, how cool would it have been! The newspapers would have glorified me the next day. The story would have read like this: 

"Two robbers did not know what was in store for them when they tried to rob a journalist. Hemant Gairola (22), who works with a leading English daily, was walking towards his house about 2 am after finishing work at office when two motorcycle-borne youth tried to rob him at knifepoint. However, the young journalist gave those muggers a taste of their own medicine. Hemant, who has formal training in martial arts, vanquished the two robbers with his devastating kicks. He left the robbers writhing in pain, licking dust. He then called the police at 100 and waited till the patrol came and took away the muggers, who were trembling with fear and pain.

The city administration has decided to honour Hemant for his bravery. A teenager who lives in a building where the incident happened captured the whole action on his mobile phone camera. He has uploaded the video on YouTube and it has gone viral. Even Terminator superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger saw the video and has invited him for dinner..."

Man, how cool would that have been! I'd have become a hero overnight! Bah! I missed the opportunity. Well, no crying over spilt milk. Wise men make more opportunities than they get. That's what I thought as I was ruing over the lost chance. So, I decided that after a couple of months, I'll again go by foot at night. But that time, I'll be prepared. I thought I'd resume working out, restart my taekwondo classes. Then, when I'll feel I'm ready, I'll again embark on an adventurous walk. I was planning for a flawless victory in that mortal kombat. Wasn't sure if I should be hiding a sword or a baseball bat under my cloak. Yes, I planned on wearing a long cloak, like Neo did in The Matrix. Muggers, you want some, come get some! I'm a hardcore WWE fan. I'll smash you like an idli. I'll beat you to pulp. Na, chutney.

I was fired up. Then I thought, jaane do. Maaf kiya. Have been commuting only on my bike since then.