September 29, 2010

A man's account of unsolicited male attention in B'lore

When I told my friends during the final days of my college in Dehradun that I'd be going to Bangalore for studies, they predicted I'd revel in the female attention I might get there. I wish they were right.

In Bangalore, people did get drawn to me, wanting to be more than friends. Just that all of them were homosexual men. (Nothing wrong with being gay, just that absolute strangers approaching me out of the blue seems intimidating.) When not being accosted by these gentlemen on MG Road, I've had a pimp on Brigade Road diligently trying to make me avail of his clients' services. I stayed in Bangalore for six years. No girlfriend, just these experiences. Sigh...

Gay: You hungry? I: I've just had bananas :-/
Location: MG Road, Bangalore's hip and happening place.
Time: About 4 pm
I was roaming around on MG Road. Had gone there for some bird-watching (get it, aye?). But well, looks like another kind of bird, a queer one, was watching me there. A thin, young guy (must be in early 20s, wearing three-fourths and had Shaggy-like hair) asked me sheepishly, in a Goofy-like accent, "Dude, are you hungry?" Well, I had just had two bananas, and told him so.

I thought, why would this stranger be concerned whether or not my nutritional requirement has been met? Oh crap! It struck me, maybe he meant the other hunger, not the one the stomach craves for but an organ a few inches below it. Man! And to this guy—who's looking nervous, stupid and desperate—I've told that I've just had 'bananas'! What a jerk am I! (All this thinking happened in a flash.)

He perhaps read too much into my fruit diet and a glimmer of hope replaced nervousness in his eyes. Realising my folly, I just dashed off.

'Hi darling, what do you want?'
Location: The lush, green, vast Cubbon Park. 
Time: A bright, sunny, Friday afternoon
This incident happened when I had gone to watch actual birds, in nature's lap. I thought I should get off the beaten track and explore the hitherto unknown areas of the park. There were couples in every dark corner. One young guy (looked like must have failed all his school exams) felt he and I would make a good couple. He came up to me and said, "Hi darling! What do you want? Come here."

The emotion in his words could give inferiority complex to Shah Rukh Khan. Ruined my experience. I wanted to sit in nature's lap, and there I got accosted by a guy who wanted to sit in my lap. Of course I walked away as fast as I could.

'Come to my hotel room'
Location: Near Press Club, Cubbon Park
Time: About 6 pm
Was waiting for the traffic signal to go green so that I could cross the road. "Excuse me," said a distinctly masculine-looking man in a distinctly feminine-sounding tone. He asked me how to get to a hotel, where he was staying. I told him he could get a bus from near my office, which was just across the road. He dared ask me, "If you are not doing anything, would you like to come?"

S**t! This did him in. Damn it! I told him I'm a journalist and gotta go to office. No sooner than I told him about my occupation, he dropped the idea of catching a bus from across the street and said he would take an auto to his place.

But I don't get it! Why me? I should have been a chick-magnet. Why am I gay magnet instead! I know it's a cliched question but seriously, why?

'Lady hona?'
And if all this was not enough, there's this pimp on Brigade Road. This is where you get to see the young crowd any day. One fine evening past year, I was standing near a fruit shop on the road. Then came a man (in his mid-40s, looked like a typical Bollywood villain) in old, dirty clothes, stood next to me, and asked, "Ready ho na?" (Meaning, are you ready?) Ready for what, I thought, and asked him. He repeated himself. This time I heard him correctly: "Lady hona? College ka lady?" (Want a woman? College-goer?)

Damn it! I just moved away, disgusted. What crap, I was thinking about my sweet, beloved friend there and there's this pimp asking me if I want to screw someone! 

It's not a one-off incident. A few months later too, when I was standing at the same place, gleefully licking the vanilla softy I had just bought, the pimp came again. I moved away before he could say anything. "Hello, listen..." he called me, but I walked away. Every time I go to Brigade Road, that pimp will be there, looking at me. Heck!

Why do they think I'm such a person who'd be interested in, well... 
Once when I shared all this with a school friend (a perfectly sleazy guy), he explained it could be because I've got my left ear pierced. He said left ear piercing is an identifying mark for gay men. I don't know if that's true, but since then I got my other ear pierced too. Thankfully, I've not been approached since. Therefore, I'm happy and gay. 


Teju :):) said...

Hey Hemanth - i laughed my a** off...loved the humour :P:) hah! I hope u do not come across any more gays in Bangalore. Have had enough of them I guess? :) :P lolz!

Hemant Gairola said...

@Teju: Yeah, I've had enough of gay. Plus, since I told my friend about these incidents, he too is acting like a gay :-@

By the way, I didn't intend to write a humour piece. I was pouring my heart out. Is it funny? :-P

arunima said...

hahahahahahahaha..... after a looong while i have come to ur blog and this is the first thng that catches my eye... hilarious man... enjoy the attention :P

Hemant Gairola said...

Hi Aru! Well, now I can empathise with girls when they complain about unsolicited male attention. Yucks!


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Anonymous said...

Hi, Whoever you are. Doesn't it sound strange that you go around alone cruising in MG road, brigade road and Cubbon Park!!! maybe you are a little gay??? just thinking.

Hemant Gairola said...

@Anonymous: What's strange or gay about someone roaming by himself? I don't get the logic.