February 13, 2015

Why I'm still single

I'm 27. Most of my friends are either married or about to tie the knot. One even had his first child two months ago. But I am still single. Born single. Pehle main bahut pareshan tha. Meri billi bhi mujhse door bhaag jaati thi. I used to ask, "Why me?" Now I realise why me. Because I'm stupid.

Since relocating to my hometown seven months ago, a college friend (a sweet, lovely, SINGLE girl!!) and I have been planning to meet. To woo her, I should plan a fun outing, right? Right. And where was I planning on taking her, until a few minutes ago? To watch the unintentional comedy film MSG: The Messenger of God. Decided this after reading its reviews online. They sport these headlines:

Watch this only if your survival depends on it (Hindustan Times | Read review)
It's the Pitaji of 'so bad it's good', with crackpot writing, direction and acting  (FirstPost | Read review)

It's rating:
Hindustan Times: 0.5/5 (Given to acknowledge the effort of making the film)
The Indian Express: No stars

Just imagine. After seven years, and first time since I started hitting on her, I'm meeting a pretty girl and I take her to a movie whose hero' has curly arm hair that can trap legions of mosquitoes.

That's suicidal. That's why I've never had a girl. Friend. Girlfriend. (Bolne me hi sharam aati hai :P)

Isspider man, Isspider man
Showing a trashy film to a gal pal, hoping she too will love it (and will get impressed with my choice), is a mistake I've made once. This girl doesn't talk to me now.
Exactly one year ago, on the eve of Valentine's Day, this friend visited my house in Bangalore to chill. (V-Day wasn't the reason.) She's beautiful, charming and warm. And single. And what did I do to ensure she has a good time? Played Desi Spiderman on the laptop. She laughed for a couple of minutes, then the movie bored her to sleep. Even when she started dozing off, I didn't have the smarts to bid goodbye to Ispyder bhaiyya and engage her in a conversation. I let her sleep and relished the entire movie. It must have been the third time I was watching that epic movie.

A month later, this friend suddenly stopped talking to me. We hadn't had any spat. She just stopped. I was wondering why. I think now I know. She took out time for me, and I gave her "Ispyder man, ispyder man, toone churaya mere dil ka chain. Dekh ke tere kartab yaara main toh ho gayi teri fan!"

Over the past few months, this girl has started to look more beautiful and charming than ever. When we were friends, we were just friends. Now I'm drawn to her. But all I can do is rue my lost chances. All because of the stupid Ispyder bhaiyya whose chest logo reads "Kanha Milk".

Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam...
My stupidity in the girls' department is legendary. About six years ago, when a friend (girl) snapped ties with me and just won't talk, I sent her an e-mail. It had links of two YouTube videos. One was yesteryear's ballad: "Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam... Aaj ke baad". The other was: "Chaahoonga main tujhe saanjh-sawere, phir bhi kabhi ab naam ko tere, awaaz main na doonga." And I wasn't trying to be funny. I was earnestly trying to express my dejection.

My profound moronity embarrasses me. No wonder my luck never shone. And it's highly unlikely to shine. Even if a girl gets interested in me (what a joke!), it's gonna be like this, most probably:
She: "Hey, let's go to this pub some day."
Me: "Ummm... How about somewhere else? I find pubs too loud and dingy."
She: "Ok, let's check out this new fine dine restaurant."
Me: "That must be too expensive. Moreover, I don't prefer eating outside."
She: "That's alrite. Where do you want to go?"
Me: "Any South Indian eatery, like Daya Sagar Darshini. Or Indian Coffee House. I love their masala dosa."
She: "Hahahaha... Let's meet at Cafe Coffee Day."
Me: "Ok, but I won't have anything there. I don't take tea-coffee."
She: "Get lost."

Grammar Nazi
My situation looks bleak. Not only because of my eccentricities, but also because I'm a journalist. A girl who speaks/writes incorrect English, immediately rejected. Only Pakistani cricketers can make bad English look cute (see this). 

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
—John Illsey Clarke

P.S. Click here to watch Desi Spiderman on YouTube. You'll love it!

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