October 13, 2014

What women want

The world would be so much happier if men knew how to impress women. No, spraying deo doesn't help. A sweet-smelling jerk will still be a jerk. So, what can guys do to get attention of women, besides being rich and handsome?

We need to know women's viewpoint. Guys helping each other out in this regard doesn't inspire confidence. When one of my best friends wanted to celebrate the second month anniversary of his proposal-acceptance and was wondering what to gift her, I suggested buying a kilogram of potatoes or onions. I reasoned it's so different, so freaky that she'll remember it forever. I think I had almost talked him into buying it. But there's a fat chance my idea might not have worked. 

A few days ago, I was chatting with a girl-friend (a hot girl I have a crush on, not girlfriend. Yet.) and she happened to mention a few traits of men that attract her. She mentioned just one, but I, like a good journalist, got her talking and came out of this interview like a diver who emerges out of a sweet-water sea with a pocketful of pearls. Aha! Nice analogy, but too many commas. 

This may not be a one-size-fits-all list, but does give an idea of what may work with girls. (Pssst! She's beautiful, hot and much-in-demand girl. So her thought matters.) Oh, now too many hyphens. Let's get started.

1. Stubble
Her words: "Ya, stubs are a turn on to me. Big time."
But I look like a pickpocket when not clean-shaven.

2. Height
"Tall guy, turn on."
Yay! I'm six feet tall!

Ok, she and I were talking about turn-ons here. Throughout. Not merely things that attract her. I was going to mention "turn-on" in the second para, but thought of making this blogpost PG-friendly. Point 4 will illustrate this post can't be kid-friendly. So I'll let the censoring be. Kids shouldn't be googling "What women want" anyway.

3. Deep baritone
She said she finds manly voice quite a turn-on. I interjected, saying like my voice.
"Your voice is verry cute types
Its not rough"

4. Ass you like it
"A cute small butt
Turn on."
Hahahaha... Reminds me of the Eminem song. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it, I've never seen ass like that, the way you move it," Ok, not the next line of the song. We still gotta maintain some decency. But guys, start running your ass off. 

5. Gummy bears. Kidding. Bear hugs
"Bear hugs turn on"
I thought hugs are just loving. Are they a turn-on to some? Ok, I'm not qualified to answer. Don't have much experience. Oh, do we mean here bear hugs that lead to... What am I... I've... Next point.

6. Hide 'n' Seek. Not the biscuit
"Crooked smiles
Turn on
Crooked matlab hiding while u smile
Coz men usually avoid to smile
Door se chupchupkr dekhna and pretending like u were not looking at me, turn on"
I tried practising in front of a mirror, but haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I grin like The Cheshire Cat.
But this part, looking while pretending not to look, you gotta make sure not to be so discreet that she never finds out you were looking. (This girl never got to know when I checked her out.)

7. Abey khamosh! 
"Asking me to shutup so u could speak, turn on
Hakk jatana, in a good way, turn on
Hakk se daantna, turn on"
I've never asked a girl to shut up. Sigh. Nice guys finish last. (After finishing reading, watch this music video, Nice Guys. It's funny.)

8. Get mad at her
"Kabhi kabhi gussa hona so I can manao, turn on
I am very good at manaoing"
After this chat, I began to realise why I've always been single. I stay polite: don't interrupt when someone's speaking, don't lose temper. God, where's the reward for being good? 

As I was wallowing in self-pity, that observing niceties goes unrewarded, she clarified.
"You shouldnt, agar concern hai toh dikhao, chillao, get mad at me, I like that
Coz I do the same
That's jjust a way of showing love"
I can't lose my temper. I've found it.

9. Intimacy (Yay!)
"I like it when the guy is putting his head on my lap, but once in a blue moon I'd like to put mine on his"
"Back hugs, I like"
Completely agree. So loving. Sigh... (Why sigh? I'm wallowing in self-pity again.)

10. That dress's inappropriate!
"Asking me to wear something to cover my body, in certain situations, I like
Giving me a long bhashan if am doing something wrong, I like"
By this point, I was thoroughly convinced mera kuch nahi ho sakta. I'm highly unlikely to tell a girl what to wear. About what she's wearing, I'll open my mouth only when she wants to hear she's looking great. Or in the rare case of wardrobe malfunction.
And, if she's doing something I think is wrong, I'll merely tell her my viewpoint no more than two times. Anything more than that, I believe, is nagging. Do I get the brownie points here or does this make me too nice to be, you know? 

11. Chivalry
"Lending me his jacket when am cold"
FINALLY! Oh, I will use all caps here. At last, something about me that works. 

12. Intimacy (...continued)
"Sharing the same blanket
I like to sleep on his chest or one hand
I just love it
Like when two ppl sleep, there shouldn't be a distance
Cuddling or spooning"
This is a hypothetical plus point for me. Because me getting this close to a girl is a hypothetical situation. But how I'd love to... No! Can't write more. My parents stalk me online and think I'm crazy.

13. Flattery
"I love, absolutely love when a guy kisses on my forehead
Shows the love, concern, respect
If he notices the number of tils, moles or marks I have all over my body
It just shows how much hes been noticing me
Feels good"
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Showering affection. Love, concern, respect. Paying attention, noticing. My saving grace. 

14. PDA
"I like to hug from the side if we are in public and just standing
Looks cute
So my head on the chest or arm of the guy, if it's the other way round, even better
Like i said, I can be motherly all the time
It's weird though
But I like it"
I can just let out a cold sigh. Totally agree with her. Another hypothetical plus point to me.

15. Sadda haq, what the Donald Duck!
"I like to hakk jamao and say ki do this, do that, this is better and all
I want to point out things
I like it
But if it's the other way round, even better"
We're treading on thin ice here. There's a fine line between hakk jamana and nagging. As I go by the mantra of "Better safe than sorry", I'm not sure how I'll fare here.

16. What?!?
"I Do this alot, not talking but still doing usual things when am mad..haha"
I don't get it. What? That's why they say, it's tough to understand a woman.

17. Walk and talk
"Long walks, I can never get bored
Talk talk and talk, I like it when two ppl talk things all the time
Even if it includes arguing
Argumenting is my department"
Thank you, God. I'm infamous for making friends walk. When a friend comes to visit me from another city, usually another warns him about not letting me talk him into going for a walk. 
Arguing, ummm... I like being amicable all the time.

18. Careless whisper. Nah, just careless
"He should be careless about his stuff, so am there to take care off"
And my roommates know me for keeping even months of read newspapers so immaculately in a stack that one would think they're fresh out of press. Growing up, I had read a quote that impressed me: "A place for everything, everything at its place." This quote should have had an asterisk, saying "Conditions apply." Time for me to let out another sigh.

19. Be a sissy. Sorry. Fussy
"So guys act all tough when in public with their frnds but act like total fussy kids in front of their girls, love it
So u know how much he looks upto u"
How do I relate to this tough-fussy paradox! I play the fool with my friends all the time and have never had a girl. Wait! Playing the fool always? Maybe that's why none of the girl-friends ever became interested to be the girlfriend. (The real reason: I made all the girl-friends sister. By the time I wisened up and stopped making sisters, new friends started making me their brother. #KyaKaregaPanduJabKismatHai_____)

20. Ask her out. Not that way
"Oh I like when am asked for my opinion on something imp"
Yeah, yeah. Massaging the ego, giving the feeling of importance. I'm really good at that. I'm awesome at it.

21. Pappis
"Every sane girl, would choose pecks over kisses"
And every insane guy would choose pecks over kisses. Hahahaha...
Ok, just kidding.

Points 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 15, 16, 18 and perhaps 19 too are not in my favour. Considering we've listed intimacy twice, there are 20 points. Even if I claim benefit of doubt for the hypothetical-situation questions, I score less than half the points. No wonder, all girl-friends are sisters. Mera kya hoga!

Why did I include point 4 here! #thinkingoutloud #nevermind #amicrazy #notetoselfshutup. Ah, too many hashtags.

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin

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