May 31, 2015

Would-have-been-Facebook statuses

I always have something to say. A thought, an observation, a review, a critique, a joke, an anecdote. Usually, I post such stuff on Facebook. It's ironical: people add us as friends, but act pained and snobbish when we post stuff we'd tell our friends about. Who doesn't talk to their friends about the movies they watched recently! Or the book they're reading, or if they've started gymming or are learning cooking. It's so normal. But then there are so many snooty memes with holier-than-thou sarcasm. I make a mental note of whichever Facebook friend of mine shares and/or likes such memes. Unless this smart ass is a beautiful girl who uploads pics regularly, I unfollow such people. (If you're about to shoot another uppity comment like "You can unfollow on Twitter, not on Facebook", go check your facts.)

Bloody keyboard warriors. Their ways remind me of a quote I had come across somewhere: "Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they're tweeting is like stalking someone and complaining about the route they are taking."

If you're thinking I'm pissed off because someone crapped on my posts/photo, that didn't happen. I just don't like this meme culture, which rewards cyber bullying with likes and shares. Ridiculing, mocking at people (mostly celebrities) is passed on as humour. The sheer quantity of memes and 'jokes' that were doing rounds about Virat Kohli-Anushka Sharma after Team India lost the World Cup semi-final was shameful. I don't appreciate Rahul Gandhi 'jokes' either. Let him be. Sorry, drifting...

What I intended to say was this: Of course, I understand that Facebook friends are 'friends', not friends. So if I write there I got a new shirt, it's not like standing with my buddies and telling them I got a new shirt. It's like sending a pamphlet, saying "Hemant Gairola got a new shirt" to the house of my neighbours, elementary school teachers, relatives, college juniors, college seniors, school juniors, school seniors, people-who-couldn't-care-less. Given the number of things I feel like sharing, posting all of them on FB would be akin to sending them multiple pamphlets throughout the day. To avoid that, I'll now post those random updates on my blog, at the end of every month.

I know, there's no point of this exercise. Almost the entire traffic on my blog is due to people searching for "gays in Bangalore", "gays on MG Road Bangalore", "Bangalore Mirror sexpert column" and "how to apply for internship at The Hindu". Still, I'd jot down my thoughts anyway. Just for the sake of catharsis. One day, soon enough, I'll be a rockstar. And I'll have a legions of fan who'd love to devour every word I write. Soon enough. Ok, let's start.

1. Watched a Hollywood movie today. The protagonist was stark naked throughout. A treat to the eyes! Hahahaha... It was a dog. The lead role was of a dog. Marley & Me is such a lovely movie. A rambunctious labrador pup. His life with a cute couple (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston), as they become parents of three kids. The film starts with him entering their lives as a puppy, and ends 13 years later, when his old-age complications meant he had to be put to sleep. The movie became so unbearably poignant towards the end. Reminded me of my dog, Caesar. But we used to call him "Seejar". Or "Seeju". My first love. He deserves an entire blog post. I've been meaning to write it for long. Should do it soon.

2. John Cena needs to stop addressing wrestlers a few younger than him as "son". He's just 37, not 67.

3. Why did an image of purple stilettos flash in my mind right now as I was thinking of logging out?!? Should try them sometime? Hahaha... :P

4. Any girl—no matter how intelligent, beautiful and charming—if she types "ty" to say "thank you", ... God! Just don't do it. As if "k" was not dumb enough.

6. Finished reading a collection of poems of Harivansh Rai Bachchan. What amazing poetry! Goodness! He's brilliant! What a rich vocabulary!

7. Reading Ramdhari Singh Dinkar's collection of poems about Karna. Such powerful verses... They transport you to Mahabharata era, right where the story is unfolding. Ancient Indian mythologies are so full of wisdom and still relevant!

8. My gym trainer got me a protein supplement today, and since bringing the product home, I'm going through its customer reviews online. It's bewildering! I've seen 200+ reviews and hardly a couple of customers have written about whether or not they found it effective in muscle growth. One review: "Taste great and mixes well can not really ask much more out quality protein powder." You bought protein powder for taste? What about muscle recovery? Reminds me of my boss's favourite word: Moron.

9. Lychee trees in Dehradun have started bearing the fruit. They are beginning to ripe. Just a few weeks, and we'll have lychees on sale. Such a refreshing sight to see bunches of green and red lychees hanging from trees. Everywhere! It must have been 8+ years since I last had the fruit. Can't wait! Also, I should get home other pahaadi fruits. Peach, apricot, endemic berries... Been ages since I last had them!

10. Just learnt that the girl who uses "ty" to say "thank you" on Facebook also says "ship" when she means "worship". "I ship him!" She wrote. How did such short forms become 'cool'?

11. Another couple of friends of mine got engaged or married this month. And I'm yet to be good friends with a girl who doesn't see a brother in me. Man!

Dang! I logged into acting on a brainwave, to jot down a would-have-been-Facebook status. Totally forgot what it was.

12. May 31 is Anti-Smoking Day. All chain smokers celebrating their birthday today must be having a good laugh. But what to do! There's no day a smoker isn't born.

13. Recalled the status I mentioned before point number 12. This: My computer's mouse has a ghost in it. Suddenly it disappears from one place on the screen and appears at another. Like an angry ghost who throws things around, it's closing tabs on Chrome (web browser) and clicking on random links.

14. Didn't feel even a pinch as the injection needle went into my vein to draw blood for some tests. Eyebrow being pierced five times (excruciatingly, on the last two occasions) and ears being pierced six times, I guess my pain threshold has shot through the roof. 

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