Movie review: Desi Spiderman is a beacon of brilliance. Superhero movies? Make in India

Oh my God, this movie is so so so so funny. It's ominous-epic. Just like the cult movie Andaz Apna Apna, it will keep you laughing from the first scene to the last. Even after the movie is over, you're unlikely to come out of the delirium. Or bewilderment. Depending on how you take it.

I love this movie so much that when a PYT came to meet me on the eve of Valentine's Day last year, instead of indulging her in something interesting, I played this movie for her. For, I find nothing more interesting than Desi Spiderman. A month later, this girl stopped talking to me. S*** happens. I'm a staunch devotee of this cult classic nevertheless.

If you're a Hindi-speaking Indian with an online presence, it's likely you've seen the video of the iconic title song. The moment you see "KANHA MILK" on the superhero 'costume' where you were expecting spidey logo, you realise you're on to something legendary. 

Before getting his superpowers, our desi Peter Parker (Shyam) is a boy in a man's body. He lisps, plays marbles with village boys, and is a burden on his old mother. He's a method actor. That's why, even in the dream sequence when our Mary Jane (Radha) is fantasising him, he stands like a retard. 

Radha is simply awesome. When not getting molested, she lies on her bed, stares into the camera and fantasises men. She gets incredibly turned on when the lisping retard that Shyam is removes a thorn from her foot. YouTube users are startled:

• i neva knew touching feet gves orgasm...lemme tell mi bf to touch my feet lol
• I thought he was just taking out a thorn? what's happening??? lol
• Ah!
  Kya hua?Orgasm
• "ladha" is one horny chic....tofee bhi deti hai....
• bhais ki aankh itne bure din aa gaye hai is video ko dekhkar m***h maarna pad raha hai :(

The USP of this movie is the avalanche of unintentional humour, which unleashes itself every single time the actors open their mouth. Remember the mystery surrounding Monkey Man attacks in Delhi years ago? Upon seeing our Isspider bhaiyya, the villains conclude he's that Monkey Man, and initially dismiss him as "Nakabposh Bandar". Those who have watched it can't stop gushing about it, like this YouTube user: 

• "nakabposh bandar.....abey tune bohat public maar di hai apni dehsat se...main tere se na darooo..." hahahaha epic....!!!!!

The movie is replete with powerful dialogues that leave an impression on viewers. Some YouTube users are die-hard fans of the magic:

• Desi Spiderman: "Haraamjaade, jaake apne us padosi mulk ke aaka se nu keh diye ke thara chacha Desi Spiderman mila vahan, ar us se nu kehiye ke ya to apni harkato se baaj aa ja, nahin to vahin aa ke ghusand itne bajaunga ke saala pada pada salaam karega" Legend hahaha :D
• o radha,,,,i luv u radha,,...hahahhaha...ultimate dialouges
• Spider Ji: Bhul jao mjhe... Radha: Tumne kitni aasani se keh dia mein tumhe bhul jau....bhala dil bhi kahi dhadkna bhul sakta hai... :D :D
• meri aankho me aansu aa jate hai jab bhi is movie ko dekhta hu... so touching

Yes, there indeed are some emotional scenes. Isspider bhaiyya almost breaks up with Radha, as he doesn't want to endanger her life. After all, he has bullock cart-riding, four-bags-looting comical goons plotting to throw cold water on him (ah, don't ask). He decides to break up after he visits Radha's father, to talk about their rishta. Uncle ji asks him for tea. A YouTube user made an astute observation here: "aby ye chai kesy peye ga...haryanvi dump ass :D" Indeed. With that mask on his face, how?  

Action better than The Matrix
Action in the movie is amazing (Click here to check out a fight sequence). When Isspider bhaiyya is bashing up goons, the rest of the gang waits—with a smile on their faces—to be hit. His power kicks, the replays, the background score... They all come together to create pure magic.

There's glamour too. Desi Spiderman has a female Samba, called Reshma. Her dance on Dhoom Macha Le is an aberration in the movie. For, it's genuinely good. But forget about drooling upon her. The moment she opens her mouth, you'll be reminded of those ganwaar aunties in sleeper-class Indian trains. And the 'sensuous' shots in the songs are so tacky that they end up making you laugh instead of titillating you.

There's so much to this masterpiece. I won't disclose how Shyam got his superpowers or if he and our Mary Jane (the horny Radha) get back together. Don't want to include any spoiler. Instead of saying more, I'll leave you with these YouTube comments. Read and enjoy, and then watch the movie and enjoy (the link's at the bottom of the article). You'll thank me for it.

• it even starts with an OM , poor shiv, what has he done to deserve this.
• this is why they should never leave cameras in villages in our country -_-
• Yeh bhaiye log ke pass aur kuch kaam nahi ki yeh bakwaas film bana rahe hai!
• Why in movies always abnormal handicapped guys get women and superpowers?
• Why is he called Spiderman when he has no powers or anything related to a spider lol
• Shyam bachao shyam bachao to tine dheere chilla rahi hai k Shyam bhi theek se na sun paye.
• Desi spider man is strong and beats the shit of the bad guys, he is my hero, lol Indians have creativity. American spiderman cant disappear, but the Desi Spiderman can... Way to guys - user from USA
• I like how the hero is just standing like he has no clue what is happening around during Cham cham barsa paani
• I like how they randomly show the movie's name every now and then throughout the clip! LOL..
• The background singing is also truly groundbreaking! :D
• This movie changed my life!

Then there are some who went into a state of shock upon watching the movie.

• NONONO! This cant be true! :|
• What the fucketty fuck am i watching
• bhaii maine kaunse paap kiye hai jo ye din dekhne ko mil rahe hai woh bhi london mei baith kar,, ha ha ha ha ha lmao :D :D
• ahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha .....main coma me chala jaunga :D
• story theek hai actor ko dkh ker dil kerta ha apny ap ko goli mar loon
• koi mujhy suiside karne ka tareka bataye ga.. after watching one part on this movie i lost my mental balnce plzzzzzzz
• HOW ARE U RADHA" BHAAN KA **** OXFORD KA GRADUATE HAI YO DESI SPIDERMAN,,, i want to kill myself aftr seeing this :( :( :((
• i m going to suicide... and i hate spiders i hate all insects i hate animals i hate myself
• after watching that i killed my pc !!
• ma ki ankh sala ye kya he ! me mar dunga kisiko aj ye dekh ke.
• do me and our country a favour.....Find this spiderman,the actress and the director!!! Knock the shit out of them ........skin them and than bury them 1000 feet below the ground!!!!

And there were a profound statements as well from YouTube users.

• Still better movie than "Twilight"
• This spiderman should feature in the avengers sequel
• man behind mask is tushar kapoor

Hahaha... YouTube users are amazing. Don't ridicule our Isspider bhaiyya. He has a good heart. When a school boy misses his bus, he ensures that the boy reaches the school before the bus does. When Spidey's mom is not looking, he wrings the laundry and puts them on the clothesline in seconds. And he's a patriot. He salutes the tiranga in one scene after bashing up the baddies. We want to see more of Isspider bhaiyya. I definitely do! 

Many YouTube comments say they now want to see a desi Batman. One user suggests our desi Bruce Wayne can be owner of a cowshed, to put him on par with his millionaire counterpart. I do wish to see more such stuff from these guys! Till then, I will feast upon this masterpiece they have created. If you too want to join me in the fan-dom, click here to watch the epic movie.

“Haiku about getting out of bed:

no no no no no

no no no no no no no

no no no no no”
—Anonymous

A good day with friends

These days, I'm in Balco. I've never written a blog post about Balco, a big township where I grew up, spent the first 17 years of my life. Studied in the same school, with the same idiots from class I to XII. The place I call home. Because home is where the heart is.

I'm in Balco to record our songs, for our band. It's with my school friend that I'm starting the band. He's got a home studio made in his new house and we've started recording our songs. 

The last time I was in Balco, it was about seven years ago. It feels so good to be here. I won't even attempt describing how good. Some feelings are so fine and beautiful that I'm wary my description of them with mere words will be underwhelming. 

This post will be a quick one, because I'm juggling our band's social media work right now. Won't have taken up this blog post, but yesterday was such a good day, I have to record it. Though I've been in Balco for two weeks now, I hadn't stepped out of my friend's house. It's only yesterday that I went for a stroll, saw my old house. Whoa... That feeling! The house where I grew up. That's the house where I was so young and stupid that I used to wet bed, my sister used to dress me up in her frilly frocks, I used to run out in them, used to pee on my neighbours when they'd hold the baby-me. The house where, as a teenager, I developed a love for pop music. Listening to the ballads and croonings all day, convinced that those melodies were conveying my feelings.

Ha! Like I'd said, I shouldn't attempt to describe those feelings. 

Yeah, so yesterday was a wonderful day. Why? Firstly, because I saw my old house after soooo long. It brought back such a rush of memories. Walking a li'l further in our lane, I found a litter of pups hiding under a car. Just like those good 'ol days when we were kids, and there would be puppies everywhere. Our evening playtime meant mollycoddling those pups. I tried getting hold of the pups yesterday, but they didn't come to me. In fact, a nearby cow charged towards me, perhaps thinking I was there to harm the pups. Was so good to be there. I'll visit my old place regularly now for my remaining stay here. I hope I do get to befriend those pups.

The second reason the day was great was because, well, I spotted a BEAUTIFUL girl in Balco! That was while returning to my friend's house after visiting my old place. Hair in a pony tail, dressed in a black jacket and capri-length slacks, she looked like... Man! You don't get to see a girl that beautiful in Balco. You get to see a girl that beautiful in Bangalore, where I stayed for six years. To see suchhhh a beautiful, attractive young woman in Balco was such a high! Such a high! Can't tell. Because usually for bird-watching, Chhattisgarh is a biiiiiiiiig disappointment. She's like an oasis in this desert. I think I'll fall.... No thinking. *Budbudbudbudbud* But I'll visit that place again, the same time, to catch hold of her. Perhaps. Most likely.

Thirdly, I visited a school friend who became papa two weeks ago. He was blessed with a son two days before his birthday. You know what makes it all the more better? He's married to a girl from our class. School friends, got married, and now stepped into parenthood. Such a special moment for them! I'm so happy I got to visit them. Held his li'l son in my arms. But the chhotu champ started crying when I took him in my arms :-/ Is it because of the half-dozen piercings on my face?

Fourth reason: At the stroke of midnight, we (my friend with whom I'm staying, his brother and I) went to the house of another school-time friend, to wish him a happy birthday. And we did wish him the way friends do. Birthday-bump style! Oh, we even got a video of the bromance-action-comedy moment. Such a pleasure it was to kick his ass. Wuhahahahaha... Mind you, it's cold in this part of the country, and it's mid-December. I put on my shoes, went to his house, kicked him, punched him, pounded him. And so did my friend. Ah, what a pleasure! The best part is that it's all recorded on the camera. Bliss. Pure bliss! Wish I could post the video here. But I shouldn't, so you'll have to make do with this photograph. I love my friends!

And the best part about yesterday, I recorded my vocals for a song! There's a reason the phrase "last but not the least" is in vogue. My first recording! And my music composer friend seemed satisfied with the takes. First song! Lead vocals! This is important, man! I'm not a trained musician, and have acquired a lot of bad singing habits by years of casual singing. Despite all that I could give a satisfactory take, hugely relieving. 

As I've got the band's social media pages to handle right now, I'll be quick and end this post here. Here's hoping I improve by leaps and bounds in music. And here's hoping I spend a lot more quality time with friends. We all grew up together. From when we were perhaps crying on day one of nursery school, to checking out girls together in class XII. It's a special bond. Will last forever. I hope I meet more of them, more often, and we make more memories to cherish and laugh about.

Our kitchen garden pics

As I've recently bought a smartphone, I thought I should post some pics. In this post, I'm uploading a few pics of our garden. We have quite some variety in our garden, have captured just a minuscule part in these pics. More pics later, as the season of other fruits and vegetables comes. 

I'll kick off this post with images of snake gourd. This creeper (as in creeper plant, not as in "Hemant's such a creepo!") yielded easily more than two quintals of the mineral-rich vegetables. And we hadn't even planted it. Some relative who had come to our house had just discarded the seeds near the mango tree. The soil is super fertile, so we got a healthy creeper that climbed up the mango tree and yielded soooo many gourds. You know, once when we were kids, there was water shortage in Doon. That time, our parents used to dig a small ditch around the mango tree for us and that's where we used to...

Sorry. This post is about pics, not words. Let me start.

How many chilli plants can you spot here?

I love this pic. It's so refreshing to see chillies growing in such abundance!

This vegetable has a beautiful name, tastes well if you cook it well, and looks just as beautiful. What pretty flower. Can you make out the ladiesfingers in the background? Ok, I was avoiding taking the name of the vegetable. I'm not sure whether it's called ladiesfingers or ladyfingers. No clue if it's two words or one word. 

Now, a few pics of Jack's girlfriend.

Don't tell me you didn't get the joke! 

It's a bad idea to cap up these beautiful pics with this one, but I'm too lazy to scroll up and put it up with vegetables. The collection of a few vegetables we grow in our kitchen

I just clicked pics, played no part in growing them. Just that I help mom with plucking these snakegourds, which hang high from the mango tree. 

By the way, a day after I put up these pics, this beautiful flower blossomed, so I captured its picture (at mom's insistence). So now I don't have to end this post with pics of snakegourd, bittergourd, chillies etc. This pic is beautiful.

What women want

The world would be so much happier if men knew how to impress women. No, spraying deo doesn't help. A sweet-smelling jerk will still be a jerk. So, what can guys do to get attention of women, besides being rich and handsome?

We need to know women's viewpoint. Guys helping each other out in this regard doesn't inspire confidence. When one of my best friends wanted to celebrate the second month anniversary of his proposal-acceptance and was wondering what to gift her, I suggested buying a kilogram of potatoes or onions. I reasoned it's so different, so freaky that she'll remember it forever. I think I had almost talked him into buying it. But there's a fat chance my idea might not have worked. 

A few days ago, I was chatting with a girl-friend (a hot girl I have a crush on, not girlfriend. Yet.) and she happened to mention a few traits of men that attract her. She mentioned just one, but I, like a good journalist, got her talking and came out of this interview like a diver who emerges out of a sweet-water sea with a pocketful of pearls. Aha! Nice analogy, but too many commas. 

This may not be a one-size-fits-all list, but does give an idea of what may work with girls. (Pssst! She's beautiful, hot and much-in-demand girl. So her thought matters.) Oh, now too many hyphens. Let's get started.

1. Stubble
Her words: "Ya, stubs are a turn on to me. Big time."
But I look like a pickpocket when not clean-shaven.

2. Height
"Tall guy, turn on."
Yay! I'm six feet tall!

Ok, she and I were talking about turn-ons here. Throughout. Not merely things that attract her. I was going to mention "turn-on" in the second para, but thought of making this blogpost PG-friendly. Point 4 will illustrate this post can't be kid-friendly. So I'll let the censoring be. Kids shouldn't be googling "What women want" anyway.

3. Deep baritone
She said she finds manly voice quite a turn-on. I interjected, saying like my voice.
"Your voice is verry cute types
Fatherly
Haha
Its not rough"
Sigh

4. Ass you like it
"A cute small butt
Turn on."
Hahahaha... Reminds me of the Eminem song. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it, I've never seen ass like that, the way you move it," Ok, not the next line of the song. We still gotta maintain some decency. But guys, start running your ass off. 

5. Gummy bears. Kidding. Bear hugs
"Bear hugs turn on"
I thought hugs are just loving. Are they a turn-on to some? Ok, I'm not qualified to answer. Don't have much experience. Oh, do we mean here bear hugs that lead to... What am I... I've... Next point.

6. Hide 'n' Seek. Not the biscuit
"Crooked smiles
Turn on
Crooked matlab hiding while u smile
Coz men usually avoid to smile
Door se chupchupkr dekhna and pretending like u were not looking at me, turn on"
I tried practising in front of a mirror, but haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I grin like The Cheshire Cat.
But this part, looking while pretending not to look, you gotta make sure not to be so discreet that she never finds out you were looking. (This girl never got to know when I checked her out.)

7. Abey khamosh! 
"Asking me to shutup so u could speak, turn on
Hakk jatana, in a good way, turn on
Hakk se daantna, turn on"
I've never asked a girl to shut up. Sigh. Nice guys finish last. (After finishing reading, watch this music video, Nice Guys. It's funny.)

8. Get mad at her
"Kabhi kabhi gussa hona so I can manao, turn on
I am very good at manaoing"
After this chat, I began to realise why I've always been single. I stay polite: don't interrupt when someone's speaking, don't lose temper. God, where's the reward for being good? 

As I was wallowing in self-pity, that observing niceties goes unrewarded, she clarified.
"You shouldnt, agar concern hai toh dikhao, chillao, get mad at me, I like that
Coz I do the same
That's jjust a way of showing love"
I can't lose my temper. I've found it.

9. Intimacy (Yay!)
"I like it when the guy is putting his head on my lap, but once in a blue moon I'd like to put mine on his"
"Back hugs, I like"
continued...
Completely agree. So loving. Sigh... (Why sigh? I'm wallowing in self-pity again.)

10. That dress's inappropriate!
"Asking me to wear something to cover my body, in certain situations, I like
Giving me a long bhashan if am doing something wrong, I like"
By this point, I was thoroughly convinced mera kuch nahi ho sakta. I'm highly unlikely to tell a girl what to wear. About what she's wearing, I'll open my mouth only when she wants to hear she's looking great. Or in the rare case of wardrobe malfunction.
And, if she's doing something I think is wrong, I'll merely tell her my viewpoint no more than two times. Anything more than that, I believe, is nagging. Do I get the brownie points here or does this make me too nice to be, you know? 

11. Chivalry
"Lending me his jacket when am cold"
FINALLY! Oh, I will use all caps here. At last, something about me that works. 

12. Intimacy (...continued)
"Sharing the same blanket
I like to sleep on his chest or one hand
I just love it
Like when two ppl sleep, there shouldn't be a distance
Cuddling or spooning"
continued...
This is a hypothetical plus point for me. Because me getting this close to a girl is a hypothetical situation. But how I'd love to... No! Can't write more. My parents stalk me online and think I'm crazy.


13. Flattery
"I love, absolutely love when a guy kisses on my forehead
Shows the love, concern, respect
If he notices the number of tils, moles or marks I have all over my body
It just shows how much hes been noticing me
Feels good"
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Showering affection. Love, concern, respect. Paying attention, noticing. My saving grace. 

14. PDA
"I like to hug from the side if we are in public and just standing
Looks cute
So my head on the chest or arm of the guy, if it's the other way round, even better
Like i said, I can be motherly all the time
It's weird though
But I like it"
I can just let out a cold sigh. Totally agree with her. Another hypothetical plus point to me.

15. Sadda haq, what the Donald Duck!
"I like to hakk jamao and say ki do this, do that, this is better and all
I want to point out things
I like it
But if it's the other way round, even better"
We're treading on thin ice here. There's a fine line between hakk jamana and nagging. As I go by the mantra of "Better safe than sorry", I'm not sure how I'll fare here.

16. What?!?
"I Do this alot, not talking but still doing usual things when am mad..haha"
I don't get it. What? That's why they say, it's tough to understand a woman.

17. Walk and talk
"Long walks, I can never get bored
Talk talk and talk, I like it when two ppl talk things all the time
Even if it includes arguing
Argumenting is my department"
Thank you, God. I'm infamous for making friends walk. When a friend comes to visit me from another city, usually another warns him about not letting me talk him into going for a walk. 
Arguing, ummm... I like being amicable all the time.

18. Careless whisper. Nah, just careless
"He should be careless about his stuff, so am there to take care off"
And my roommates know me for keeping even months of read newspapers so immaculately in a stack that one would think they're fresh out of press. Growing up, I had read a quote that impressed me: "A place for everything, everything at its place." This quote should have had an asterisk, saying "Conditions apply." Time for me to let out another sigh.

19. Be a sissy. Sorry. Fussy
"So guys act all tough when in public with their frnds but act like total fussy kids in front of their girls, love it
So u know how much he looks upto u"
How do I relate to this tough-fussy paradox! I play the fool with my friends all the time and have never had a girl. Wait! Playing the fool always? Maybe that's why none of the girl-friends ever became interested to be the girlfriend. (The real reason: I made all the girl-friends sister. By the time I wisened up and stopped making sisters, new friends started making me their brother. #KyaKaregaPanduJabKismatHai_____)

20. Ask her out. Not that way
"Oh I like when am asked for my opinion on something imp"
Yeah, yeah. Massaging the ego, giving the feeling of importance. I'm really good at that. I'm awesome at it.

21. Pappis
"Every sane girl, would choose pecks over kisses"
And every insane guy would choose pecks over kisses. Hahahaha...
Ok, just kidding.

Points 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 15, 16, 18 and perhaps 19 too are not in my favour. Considering we've listed intimacy twice, there are 20 points. Even if I claim benefit of doubt for the hypothetical-situation questions, I score less than half the points. No wonder, all girl-friends are sisters. Mera kya hoga!

Why did I include point 4 here! #thinkingoutloud #nevermind #amicrazy #notetoselfshutup. Ah, too many hashtags.

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin

The most bizarre run out

Been quite some time I haven't been blogging. Have got too many fantastic ideas in mind, but I've been too lazy to write. Superhectic work kept me busy for the first half of this year and since then superlethargy has been the culprit. But a couple of nights ago, I had such a bizarre dream that I could not not write about it. What transpired is so whacky that seeing it happen alarmed me. Actually alarmed me. I got up from my sleep. Never mind it was about 10 am.

So, here's what happened in the dream sequence.
Characters: My school friends and I. We're 15-16 years old.
Location: Our school's playground.
Activity: We were playing cricket.

After our class X board exams, we used to play cricket at the school ground in the morning. This dream took place in that setting.

Now, I've always sucked at cricket (and at other sports too). I'd never get to bowl as most of my balls would go wide or fly above the wicketkeeper's head. I was always one of the last batsmen as I had neither the technique nor the brute strength to score runs.

Ha! But in this dream, I was asked to open the batting. I remember, in the dream too I was slightly taken aback at this. Every schoolboy wants to be the first to bat. So it was surprising that a weak link got to open, unopposed. I was at the non-striker's end. My friend scored a run and then I was on the crease to face the next ball.

My moment had arrived. To prove I'm not a bad player. I'd always crib that I never get a chance to bat. And when my chance would come, half of the time I couldn't bat out because mostly I'd be in the last batting pair and the other guy would get out. But this was my moment. I was ready.

The bowler started his run up. I was neither nervous nor excited. I was confident. The bowler hurled the ball towards me. I swung my bat with power, fully sure of making the full contact of the blade with the sphere. Sigh... That was misplaced confidence. And misplaced bat. The ball touched only the upper edge of the bat and flew over the wicketkeeper's head, backwards.

Now, the school's boundary wall lies less than 10 metres behind the batsman's crease. The six-foot high boundary wall separates our school from a park. The highlighted green patch on the right side of this pic shows part of our pitch.

The ball kissed the upper edge of the bat, sailed over the boundary wall and into the park. When such a thing happens in reality, the game gets paused till the ball is retrieved. But in the dream, my batting partner and I ran to score runs. I was wearing hawai chappals and was not able to run fast enough. Was struggling to keep my chappals intact. As I was running back to the batting crease, the fielder who had jumped the boundary wall to fetch the ball threw it from the park, and the ball directly hit the stumps when I was a long way from the crease.

Run out. Done and dusted. Gone. Just like that. Faced just one ball, couldn't connect it, running was more of save-chappal campaign, and got run out in the most stupid fashion. Who gets out like that! Such misfortune! Why did Murphy's Law had to apply to me! Why'd they ever let me bat again!

This type of run out was so bizarre, I was so crestfallen and in such disbelief that the feeling jolted me out of my slumber. Sad way to wake up. 

Interpretation
What did this dream intend to convey? That I'll forever suck at sports, no matter however much push I get? But the truth is, I wasn't too bad at sports by the time I reached classes IX. I was an OK cricketer and decent at football, pseudo-good at volleyball. Then what could this dream mean?

Wait. That one cannot run fast with chappals on his feet? But I already knew this!

“My mom told me to follow my dreams, so I took a nap.” —Unknown

Why I had chosen journalism

In July 2008, as part of the admission procedure at my journalism college, IIJNM, I had to give a small write-up on why I wanted to be a journalist. I found that piece today among old documents on my computer in my hometown. Hahaha... I had joined journalism to change the world, but what did I do as a journalist in my 4.3 year-long career? I'll come to that in a later post. As of now, let's have fun reading an unrealistic young idealist's Utopian dream, written in poor English, pasted here verbatim. It starts on such a narcissistic note!

Why I Want To Pursue Journalism

& What I Hope To Achieve Through It

95.69 percentile in MAT – the candidate would get admission in any good b-school he wants (isn’t it?), can opt for a lucrative career as MBA. If he decides to let it go and goes for journalism, much less rewarding in terms of pay, it is clear that the individual’s passion for the chosen field exceeds his preference for luxury and money.

I’m very keen to join journalism. I want to be a very popular and influential writer who’s capable of awakening masses and charge them up. I’m very patriotic in nature, I love my country very much. That’s why it hurts to see how this country, once known as ‘The Golden Bird’ has deteriorated in every sphere. 60 years past independence and we’re still a developing country.

Basic amenities like food, cloth, shelter still inaccessible to majority of population. We in Mumbai house Asia’s biggest slum. Millions live below poverty line, millions still illiterate; despite the overtly leniently set limits for both. 60% of our population living neglected and overlooked life in villages. We produce surplus food, yet thanks to ill management we’re facing crisis. Communal harmony, concept of equal society still a distant dream.

High corruption, bureaucracy, red-tapism, complacency are all taking us down. For what we are, where we are today, we, the common people are as much to be blamed as our politicians.

As a journalist, I wish to bring up all such issues into conscious and subconscious minds of our middle class (the most influential section in any democracy) and make them lot more active, aware and involved in our democracy… To bring upon the necessary changes and turn our potential into performance, to bring back the “legacy” to the name I N D I A.

~The end~

P.S. To meet my objectives, I needed to learn not journalism, but Godism. Hahaha... 

Dear diary, I totally rock

A few days ago, I took out my ink pen and my diary to write stuff. Writing diary is cathartic. Oh, and reading it is pure entertainment. You go "awwww" when you read something downright stupid and find it cute. You feel sympathy and empathy for your younger self. And you feel proud for being so cool and so emotional.

So that day, I got so involved in reading my previous posts and getting impressed with myself that I forgot the need for catharsis. I thought of sharing some of my gems here, on the blog. Isn't blog like a diary anyway! The more I blog, the less I write in my diary. The more I write in my diary, the less I blog. Of late, I do neither as I've become lazy.

My diary is going to be published as a book after I become an iconic rockstar (pretty soon). So makes sense that I give my fans a taste of what the book's gonna be like. So let's get started!

There's one thing that caught my eye, jutting out like a sore thumb. "My heart brakes on seeing a heartbreak." Can't believe I wrote this. My heart "brakes" on seeing a heartbreak? Otherwise it accelerates? I was really an emotional fool then, using foolish English when emotional.

When it came to studies, I merrily looked the other way

But there are a few high points too. I had written the following post ahead of the final semester exams of my graduation. And I'm so proud of my devil-may-care attitude. I've got some spunk, man!
"Just 24 hrs. more and I have to write an exam on a subject I scored just 3 and 1 out of 10 in two internals. Hell with exams! My loneliness is killing me." 

That's how that diary entry began. I was so impressed when I read this! So, the next day I had an exam in which I had fared superbadly previously. I mean 1/10, 3/10? That's pathetic! I'm so cool that despite such poor score I couldn't care less about the final exam even though it was just a day away. It takes guts to brush away a semester exam like that. I'm mighty proud of myself!

And the diary entry that came two days after the abovesaid post was like the icing on the cake. "Novel padhte hain. Hope tomorrow's paper turns out to be a cakewalk."
Hahaha... That's something. So, I have a semester exam the next morning but I'd rather read a novel than prepare for the exam! Boy, that's cocky. That's confidence. That entry means, "Who needs to study to pass! To hell with the books and the course! I can cook up answers to pass. Let's party!" I like this immense coolness and confidence I have. This clarity, that I didn't want to score well, needed merely to pass, which I could do without studying. Oh yeah!

Of God and girls
Then there are so many paras addressed to God, devoted to girls. I wrote this one just two days after joining my journalism college in Bangalore. "Why the heck do I get so nervous while talking to girls here! My English just sucks when I'm talking to girls. Man, my Hindi sucks too when talking to them. Shit it's so embarrassing. I'm going to get over it. I'll speak slowly-slowly."

Reading this makes me laugh at myself, for being so stupid. I remember vividly. I'd get tongue-tied and the words that'd come out of my mouth were neither Hindi nor English. I did get over the nervousness in a few weeks. I was 20-1/2 years old and had hardly spoken to girls earlier. A small-town guy amid city people. Shuru-shuru me phatna toh banta tha. 

My discussions with God about girls continued. It went like: "God you know I'm a good guy. I deserve lots of good friends, don't I? 
Ok, I admit I like that girl ______, but nothing like crush so far :-) I wish to be good friends with her."

Ten days later, I was still talking to God about the same thing. "God I'd really like to make lots of good friends, and again, especially girls ;-) But well you know that I really admire/adore them and that's it. I suppose you agree with me that I'm a good guy :-)"

Hahaha... Just because God doesn't talk back doesn't mean you take His silence as His approval. Then, I indeed was a good guy. Many of my prayers were for others. Like this one, in which I requested Him to see to it that the girl I liked (realised later that I loved her) is united with the guy she loved: "And God, get these two together, please. Be kind on at least one couple I know. No, two actually. Include ____ and her love too. Heed to my request.
And great yaar, I'm always given the role of side-hero. Hero kab banaoge!?! And where is my heroine?"

Yes, God, I still have the same question. I'm still getting the role of side-hero in failed love stories. Mera number kab aayega?

Comedy (in brackets)
In my diary, I pester God a lot, request a lot of things. This request was found worthy of putting here simply because of my attention to details.
"I want a physique of an underwear model (male model, i.e.)"

Hahaha... I might have thought that if I don't specify "male", God might grant me the physique of a female underwear model. That would have been a disaster. Thank God for parenthesis. They are a beautiful communication aid. For example, take the parenthetical interruption in this May 2010 entry:
"I want to have a beautiful, accommodating, understanding, super hot, sexy, rich and very loving (not in this order) life partner. Whoever she is. She should be very loving, caring and understanding. I must be in love with her too." 

In this list of qualities, beauty comes first, love comes last. Ouch! But this is not what I meant, that's why I immediately wrote in brackets "not in this order". "I must be in love with her too." Hahaha... Yeah, one-way traffic, don't want. I always paid attention to details.

When I mean business

All of my entries were not about girls and looks etc. This entry, written two-three months after I graduated from my journalism college and was jobless (had chosen not to work immediately after college, so hadn't appeared for a single placement) makes me proud. I knew what I wanted. Finally, I got it.
"I want to establish myself as a very efficient employee at desk. I give the best headlines in no time. My copy-editing is flawless and ultimate. I am MVP of the company. I know every little nuisance of English language."

Yup. I see that I wrote "nuisance" when I meant "nuance". Yes yes, I'm ashamed. The correct sentence will read: "I know all the nuances of English." Being a sub-editor, I cannot not correct an incorrect sentence. Awesome alliteration. Yet again!

Buri nazar wale tera muh kala
I was aware that my diary could fall into someone else's hands. Realised that in the middle of writing some sentimental crap. So immediately wrote a polite note, requesting them to leave my diary alone: "[ANY INTRUDER READING MY DIARY, I'LL KILL YOU IF I FOUND OUT YOU DARED LAY YOUR HANDS ON MY PERSONAL STUFF]"

I just deleted three-four paras about a friend who read up my entire diary. Haha.. Will write about it in another post. But I wonder whether anyone's still reading this absolutely self-indulgent blogpost or it's just me, getting amused with my own sense of humour. You know, like new parents who unleash a barrage of their baby's pictures on Facebook. Although me getting a girl and we tying knot seems a highly improbable event, if and when I do become a father, I'll not upload baby pictures. Promise.

I don't like ending write-ups abruptly, but I think this narcissist blogpost needs to be terminated here and now.
“Please read my diary, look through my things and figure me out.”
—Kurt Cobain

A poem I wrote

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a null boy.
All work and no play make Jack a single boy.
All work and no pay make Jack a poor, single boy.
All work and no pay make Jack a hungry boy.
All work and no pay make Jack an angry boy.
All work and no pay make Jack a sundry boy.
All work and no pay make Jack a grumpy boy.
All work and no pay make Jack an irritated boy.
All work, no play and no pay make Jack a dull, null, single, poor, hungry, angry, sundry, grumpy, irritated boy.
All work and no pay make Jack a jackass.
Oops!

I'm great! People say so

YO YO YO YO YO! The Champ [pause] is [pause] HERE!! 

Hahaha... That used to be the opening line of WWE wrestler John Cena in his initial days. The crowd would go crazy when he'd say that. And that's how most of my emails to friends used to start. That was years ago. Why am I reminiscing the old stuff? I was looking at my pics of yore when an acquaintance sought to see my photos in which I look healthy. So I logged into Orkut, showed off my pics (I was such a looker during my graduation days!) and then drifted away to reading testimonials. Wow!

No doubt, Facebook is miles ahead of Orkut, but letting people's friends write testimonials for them is one good thing that Orkut did and Facebook hasn't. As I started reading my testimonials, I felt glum. I felt good. I'm so awesome! I'm great! Deeply satisfying when you have other people saying that for you. Hahahaha... So let's get down to the brass tacks and see just how highly my friends regard me. 

The first one: On April 8, 2007, I received my first testimonial. My bestest friend wrote it for me. I was 19 then. I guess that was for the first time I had tears of joy. Ahhhh... How great it all felt :)

• Hemant! I was wondering 5 min before.. why I am writing testimonial for him. but hey now enough , people really need to know the real Hemant…..now if u think dat hemant is Idiot,stupid, mad ,carziii feella who is never ever serious 4 anything… :D ( jaisaa ki pehle mai sochti thi.. in my school days) den I am sorri to say . u all need to update the file in ur minds named hemant… and know the real new version of him… which is finally I got to know ! B-)
  A boy wid Awesome writing skills (gosh ! I got shocked wen I read his article) It was just superb.. he is a boy whom u can trust on… always ready to listen N yaa mind it… he is listening to u wid full sincerity, that’s wat is imp. a boy who wanna do something for poor people.grt thinking yaar… he is kool v friendly v intelligent.. :) wonderful person by heart….. he is v simple and pure…. :) :)
  And yaa I can’t dare to forget his singing talent helloo don’t get surprised… he has damn good voice…. B-)
  He really added new colours to my life…. As such a grt friend.. who ll let u know abt ur mistakes on face and’ll praise even a smallest improvement… B-) he is lovely frd I ever had ..alwayss be same hemant.. not u ppl around u need change now…. God bless u…. Thankss for being my friend…… :) :)

From an angel: I have known her since I was in class 9. She's three years younger and was my next-door neighbour for two years. Such a sweetheart. Everyone loves her. She saw the aforementioned testi and it spurred her to lavish praise on me. Good decision, I say! This came on May 7, 2007, btw.

• hemant bhaiyya is da sweetest boy ive ever come across......friends like him r very rare.....and iam very lucky to be one of his frends......he is always ready to lend a helping hand.....very frank and open....can be very moody too at times.....lolz..hez very caring....loving and is always there fr u.....wonderful listener.....and alwaz gt new and exciting stories to tell.....u will never gt bored wid him....and also hez gt an amazin memory....remembers everything u tell him....and he alwaz makes otherz feel SPECIAL by remebering those little things.NEVER EVER CHANGE BAHIYYA!!!!!

Bestest friend again: She would keep deleting accounts and creating new ones. You know how it is with girls, right? So she wrote me another one from her new account on March 14, 2008. God is great. Hahaha ;)

• Our friendship Is not a result of random chance fate or luck, there is a master plan of god behind it!! I know hemant will not believe in it. But I do :) .. he is sooo loving , caring n helpful person one can met in his life/her life….nobody can be more caring Than him. If u have any problem d first person on earth who is worried abt it it Hemant .. who will not sleep till he find out a solution fo it !!(but to enjoy dis service u have to be his frd naa :P
  He seems to be v funny, careless at the times..but guys beware dats not d real hemant! He is damn serious abt evrthing happening around him… not an easy person to understand even ur small act can pissed him off….he takes even d smallest thing u said to his heart,,, he have a Divine heart yup I mean it…a divine heart which onli think abt doing gud….he is a total harmless creature …. :)
  He is a bundle of incredible abilities …an amazing creation of god … well it’s a different thing that he has completely messed up with life..and god loves watching every detail of his life…….but god don’t want to help him out…coz he know hemant don’t need any help….he is organized wid all powers v well …..Just d problem is to realize how to use those powers :)
  keep rocking :)

Who wrote this one? This one is dated August 3, 2008. The person has deleted his/her account and I really don't remember who wrote this. I guess this person was one of those who were part of the online group where my anti-reservation articless were a rage. While I can't recall who you are, thanks for the kind words.

• its a waste of tym to write ....its deep, grafted in my mind dat ur d fuel of future IINDIA, "SONE KI CHIDIYA" . . A KRANTIKARI IS BORN....

Yeah! That's my boy: Now this is what I call manufactured consent. Anna, 24 ghante chaukanna, the brainiest, multitalented kid. This maha-phodu aadmi was my classmate in school. In fact, we traded testis. No, not the organ. I meant plural of "testi", the slang for "testimonial". It was his idea. He said you write for me, I'll write for you. We sent each other his testi by mail and then posted it after obtaining consent. The first draft of what he wrote for me was far too nice, so I asked him to add some masala, which you'll see as his closing remarks. Hahahah... Oh, the date is January 22, 2009, btw. I was in the second sem of journalism college.

• HEMANT... hmmm HEMU... hmmm TINNY...hmmm bas enuf with the nick names... lets get going
  one of the coolest guy i (or rather anybody else who has come in contact with him) have ever met in my whole life. GOD he has got brains and that too a versatile one which he puts to use in a MYRIAD of situations except studies. there are some guys who can't be judged by the silly paramaters set by today's mundane world and i assure u HEMANT is one of them. he is just above all these things. as they say "SOME THINGS ARE JUST MEANT TO BE.... " never change man!!! u rock. who said nobody is perfect !!! you already are !!!
  and ya one thing that is the rarest in the meanest of breeds (humans of course ) is ALTRUISM b'liv me this guy has cultivated this to the fullest. a nice company, the best guy. kudos to u my pal... but saala aajkal kutte type bhaagne laga hai ladkiyon ke peechey haalaki vishesh sutron (SHUKLA) se pata chala hai ki darne ki koi baat nahi hai "HE WILL BE WITH US ONLY KYUNKI BAHUT PHATTU HAI ".

Shhh! The Secret: Nah, sorry. Nothing secretive about the one who wrote this. He/she too has deleted his/her profile and I can't recall who it was. What I remember is that he/she was part of the Orkut community about The Secret. It was this docu-movie and these people whose support bailed me out of the toughest time I had in my life. Thank you so much! (I've got a feeling I recall who wrote this. Was a girl, I think.) Sent on August 3, 2009.

• haha.............hez Hemant...one of d most talkative prani of r comm......lol......bt hez nice n helpful person...........n i'll pray to God.....bhagwan ji...is balak ke sapne Bhut badeeeeeeeeeee hain......jaldi se pura kar do.....nai toh ye VAAchal Prani aapko b nai Bakshega..lolA Frn is an Appreciator, A critic, alwayz stay by ur side in goOd n Bad times, showS u d rite Path, ScOlds u,
  Lvs u, plAys every possible Role in ur Life.............just fr u.........bla bla bla..list goes on n oNNNN.....but u r a LuCky Star fr Me whIch SECRET has given to me
  HaPpy ManiFesting
  Khush reyon
  PEace

Yeah, this is all. I mean this is all besides the silly ones like "Cute tweety for a cute friend", roses, teddy bears made out of special characters. I mercilessly declined such spam-ish stuff.

Orkut became a digital cemetery long ago. That doesn't mean I don't get any compliments now. I got an email earlier this year from a fan, saying I'm a jackass and I should get an Oscar for acting like a good guy. Oscar, man! That's some compliment.

Here's what lack of journalism training does

An article on media watchdog website The Hoot raises some pertinent questions about the Indian press. It says: "There are guidelines (see here) governing coverage of sexual offences, war, communal riots or conflict. Are journalists not aware of these guidelines? Do they get any kind of training or orientation when they do go out into the field? Don't they have editorial gatekeepers who vet copy?"

Here's what I think the answer to her questions is. No, many journalists—if not most—are not aware of these guidelines. About training, highly unlikely that the organisation they are working with trains them. I'm three-and-a-half years old in the newspaper industry and have friends in all the major newspapers. Nowhere will you find any formal training to sensitise the recruits. I'll respond to the third question (editorial gatekeepers) later and elaborate on the training part first.

Broadly speaking, there are three types of journalists:
1. Those with a specialised course in journalism, like the ones IIJNM and ACJ offer;
2. Graduates of mass communication courses; and
3. Other professionals-turned-journalists. With no training either in journalism or mass communication.

I'm an alumnus of Indian Institute of Journalism & New Media and, therefore, know that it teaches students about media ethics and the legal aspect of journalism. That media should not give away any identifying detail of a victim of sexual assault—and legal nitty-gritty of other things like libel, plagiarism, copyright etc—were taught to us every week in the first class of the first day of the week. I presume Asian College of Journalism too imparts this knowledge.

But what about mass communication colleges? I don't know if they tell their students about the boundaries of a journalist and dos and don'ts of the trade. I don't know, so I won't make any sweeping statement. But going by the appalling ignorance of such colleges' graduates I've worked with, I presume that not much attention, if any, is given to media ethics and the profession's nuances, which are vital to not-incorrect journalism.

Ill-equipped recruits
Many students of BA in mass communication land jobs as trainee reporters or trainee sub-editors. Journalism is just not the focus of their course, but a mere part of it. Just like public relations, advertising, literature and/or some other subjects. Most often, they land the job because of their decent knowledge of English. And most often, that's the be all and end all of they know. And it reflects in their performance.

Such 'journalists' don't even know the rules, which is why they nonchalantly violate them. Journalists ought to treat information with a healthy scepticism, instead of blindly believing a 'source'. They need to understand that news is not what the PR agent is nagging them to publish, but what someone is trying to hide. Good news is not found in the AC halls of star hotels hosting press conferences of corporates, whose PR agencies welcome you with folders, some gift, a notepad and a pen. Good news is found by sifting through volumes of tiring, boring government records. It is found in the hostility of a babu, reluctance of a politician and rage of the oppressed. Good news is found in hard work, definitely not in hotel press conferences.

But much of the stuff you read in today's newspapers is a stenographer's report of what happened.  On the occasion of XYZ, Tom said blah blah blah. Dick added yappa yappa yappa and Harry seconded him. This brand of 'journalism', which is the bread and butter of most 'journalists', is most prevalent. Events, press conferences. Period. Even a high-schooler can do this.

Routine embarrassments
And if you think journalists are required to ask the right questions, I want to tell you about this press meet I had covered more than four years ago. (Covering them is an unavoidable part of a reporter's life.) Infosys chief NR Narayana Murthy was a speaker at the event. After it got over and he sought to leave, mediapersons (print and TV) approached him for a byte. I don't recall the questions, but I remember I was horrified upon listening to the downright dumb and pointless questions of media 'professionals'. I was still in my J-school and that assignment was my first brush with the stupidity of 'journalists'.

NRN found their questions so funny that he broke into a laughter when questions as different as chalk is from cheese were randomly being thrown at him. Laughing, he told the mediapersons, "You people are very intelligent! I want to make even my daughter a journalist."

That was my first brush with the inane, mundane, 'brain drain' 'journalists'. Then I got a job in a newspaper and realised that it is such people who are in the majority in the print media (can't say about broadcast, as have no experience there). These disinterested fellows cause embarrassment to the profession. The good news is that there have always been sincere, intelligent and sharp journalists, albeit in minority.

People with the right training/knowledge are few in the industry, I think. This brings me to the third question the article raises: "Don't they have editorial gatekeepers who vet copy?" Of course, sub-editors are there to vet the stories. Alas, many don't even know their job is to vet the copy instead of just turning it into English from inglis. Their college did not tell them. The company—presuming that they are supposed to know so they know—does not tell them. Isn't a chain as strong as its weakest link? This is why media draw so much flak. ("Medium" is singular. "Media" is plural. It's incorrect to say: "Media draws...")

If Press Council of India chairperson Justice (retd) Markandey Katju castigates journalists, he has a reason.