How I miss Bangalore!

You can take the boy out of Bangalore, but you can't take Bangalore out of the... Wait. Why'd you take the boy outta there, in first place!

How I miss that slice of paradise! Been almost a year since I left my karmbhoomi for my janmbhoomi. While it's good to be home, it's a bummer not to have darshinis every 200 metres. What passes for sambhar up North makes me want to cry. The plastic spoon broke when I tried to dig into an idli.

Even street dogs don't chase me at night in Dehradun. Here, they merrily wag their bushy tails at human beings. No loud, frightening calls of "soppu" or "nighty nightyyyy nightyyyyyy" to wake me up every morning. No drums of panaka and majjige placed outside every temple on Ram Navami and other festivals. No bandh every few months. Leaving namma Bengaluru has left a Lalbagh-sized void in my life.

I had first come to the Silicon Valley of India at the age of 20, for my post-graduation in journalism. Upon completing the course, choosing to work in Delhi was natural, it being the prime news hub and just six hours from home (roughly the same time it takes to negotiate Mysore Road in moderate traffic). So I sent my bike, books and stuff back to Doon and took a train to the national capital. The moment I stepped under the merciless May sun at New Delhi railway station, I realised what a mistake I had made.

After enjoying The Garden City's cool, pleasant, Bollywood-romantic climate for 10 months, I couldn't possibly live anywhere else. So, I took my bike, tons of books and guitar to Bangalore again and came back for good. Got a job, earned my stripes and fell in love with the city all over again.

It was my sheer luck I lived near Basavanagudi. There was everything one could ask for around my room. All types of eateries (where you can sit, not sit, only levitate), flower markets, three dingy bars, even a wholesale wine shop and a hospital whose speeding ambulance rammed into me one night.

I'm not complaining. If it wasn't for living in this part of the city, I might never have known what a taste-riot Davangere benne dosa is (slurrrrp!). I might never have known there's more to life than masala dosa-plain dosa. There's open dosa, neer dosa, khali dosa, set dosa, I'm-forgetting-its-name-but-it-rocks dosa... And when I thought my palate was satiated, I learnt about 99 dosa!

I'd wait for Tuesdays and Saturdays as that's when my nearest darshini would make bisibele bath. From "bhaat" to "bath", it was quite a learning, and unlearning, curve. Like finding out that a North Karnataka dish is called "paddu". Same for thatte idli.

Lost & found in translation

I'm not mocking. Cannot. Just highlighting the amusing, comical discoveries a non-Kannadiga makes in Bangalore. Like the word "chumma". A semi-cheesy, arguably sleazy slang for "kiss" in Hindi, it assumes an innocuous meaning—"non-sense"—in Kannada. It's a delight to hear the local people saying "chumma", stress on the second syllable, to express frustration.

Then there's "ma". A gentleman in my office (he's actually a gentle man, unless he gets really pissed off) would address almost every girl as "ma". "You got my story? Any doubt, ma? Ok, ma." That sounds so cute! And the way local people hold their hand in thumbs-up gesture while asking something. It makes the uninitiated wonder what's wrong. Over time they observe nothing's wrong. And such discoveries make for such an aha moment!

After six years of living in Bangalore, I consider myself a Bangalorean. I am. When my friends here ask me if "Kannad" is spoken in Karnataka, I cut them off and tell them it's "Kannada". I miss the city when my friends in Bangalore brag about the lovely weather and post pics of flower-laden trees. The Bangalorean in me quit supporting RCB when it dropped Rahul Dravid and Anil Kumble for players from other states.

As you live in Bangalore, soak in its culture, its manners, its lifestyle, the city endears you to itself no end. Like the fascinating sight of autorickshaws—and sometimes puny bikes—plying around with huge banana trees strapped to them on Ayudh Pooja. Even auto drivers' gimmick of refusing to go on hire and nonchalantly driving away into the horizon starts seeming funny after a point.

For the auto drivers' serious swag, for the irresistible 99 dosa stalls, for the high of loitering on Brigade Road and for endless reasons one can point out, Bangalore is awesome. Always will be. 

“And wherever I wander, this one thing I've learnt
It's to here... I will always, always return” — Bryan Adams in I'll Always Return

Would-have-been-Facebook statuses

I always have something to say. A thought, an observation, a review, a critique, a joke, an anecdote. Usually, I post such stuff on Facebook. It's ironical: people add us as friends, but act pained and snobbish when we post stuff we'd tell our friends about. Who doesn't talk to their friends about the movies they watched recently! Or the book they're reading, or if they've started gymming or are learning cooking. It's so normal. But then there are so many snooty memes with holier-than-thou sarcasm. I make a mental note of whichever Facebook friend of mine shares and/or likes such memes. Unless this smart ass is a beautiful girl who uploads pics regularly, I unfollow such people. (If you're about to shoot another uppity comment like "You can unfollow on Twitter, not on Facebook", go check your facts.)

Bloody keyboard warriors. Their ways remind me of a quote I had come across somewhere: "Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they're tweeting is like stalking someone and complaining about the route they are taking."

If you're thinking I'm pissed off because someone crapped on my posts/photo, that didn't happen. I just don't like this meme culture, which rewards cyber bullying with likes and shares. Ridiculing, mocking at people (mostly celebrities) is passed on as humour. The sheer quantity of memes and 'jokes' that were doing rounds about Virat Kohli-Anushka Sharma after Team India lost the World Cup semi-final was shameful. I don't appreciate Rahul Gandhi 'jokes' either. Let him be. Sorry, drifting...

What I intended to say was this: Of course, I understand that Facebook friends are 'friends', not friends. So if I write there I got a new shirt, it's not like standing with my buddies and telling them I got a new shirt. It's like sending a pamphlet, saying "Hemant Gairola got a new shirt" to the house of my neighbours, elementary school teachers, relatives, college juniors, college seniors, school juniors, school seniors, people-who-couldn't-care-less. Given the number of things I feel like sharing, posting all of them on FB would be akin to sending them multiple pamphlets throughout the day. To avoid that, I'll now post those random updates on my blog, at the end of every month.

I know, there's no point of this exercise. Almost the entire traffic on my blog is due to people searching for "gays in Bangalore", "gays on MG Road Bangalore", "Bangalore Mirror sexpert column" and "how to apply for internship at The Hindu". Still, I'd jot down my thoughts anyway. Just for the sake of catharsis. One day, soon enough, I'll be a rockstar. And I'll have a legions of fan who'd love to devour every word I write. Soon enough. Ok, let's start.

1. Watched a Hollywood movie today. The protagonist was stark naked throughout. A treat to the eyes! Hahahaha... It was a dog. The lead role was of a dog. Marley & Me is such a lovely movie. A rambunctious labrador pup. His life with a cute couple (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston), as they become parents of three kids. The film starts with him entering their lives as a puppy, and ends 13 years later, when his old-age complications meant he had to be put to sleep. The movie became so unbearably poignant towards the end. Reminded me of my dog, Caesar. But we used to call him "Seejar". Or "Seeju". My first love. He deserves an entire blog post. I've been meaning to write it for long. Should do it soon.

2. John Cena needs to stop addressing wrestlers a few younger than him as "son". He's just 37, not 67.

3. Why did an image of purple stilettos flash in my mind right now as I was thinking of logging out?!? Should try them sometime? Hahaha... :P

4. Any girl—no matter how intelligent, beautiful and charming—if she types "ty" to say "thank you", ... God! Just don't do it. As if "k" was not dumb enough.

6. Finished reading a collection of poems of Harivansh Rai Bachchan. What amazing poetry! Goodness! He's brilliant! What a rich vocabulary!

7. Reading Ramdhari Singh Dinkar's collection of poems about Karna. Such powerful verses... They transport you to Mahabharata era, right where the story is unfolding. Ancient Indian mythologies are so full of wisdom and still relevant!

8. My gym trainer got me a protein supplement today, and since bringing the product home, I'm going through its customer reviews online. It's bewildering! I've seen 200+ reviews and hardly a couple of customers have written about whether or not they found it effective in muscle growth. One review: "Taste great and mixes well can not really ask much more out quality protein powder." You bought protein powder for taste? What about muscle recovery? Reminds me of my boss's favourite word: Moron.

9. Lychee trees in Dehradun have started bearing the fruit. They are beginning to ripe. Just a few weeks, and we'll have lychees on sale. Such a refreshing sight to see bunches of green and red lychees hanging from trees. Everywhere! It must have been 8+ years since I last had the fruit. Can't wait! Also, I should get home other pahaadi fruits. Peach, apricot, endemic berries... Been ages since I last had them!

10. Just learnt that the girl who uses "ty" to say "thank you" on Facebook also says "ship" when she means "worship". "I ship him!" She wrote. How did such short forms become 'cool'?

11. Another couple of friends of mine got engaged or married this month. And I'm yet to be good friends with a girl who doesn't see a brother in me. Man!

Dang! I logged into blogger.com acting on a brainwave, to jot down a would-have-been-Facebook status. Totally forgot what it was.

12. May 31 is Anti-Smoking Day. All chain smokers celebrating their birthday today must be having a good laugh. But what to do! There's no day a smoker isn't born.

13. Recalled the status I mentioned before point number 12. This: My computer's mouse has a ghost in it. Suddenly it disappears from one place on the screen and appears at another. Like an angry ghost who throws things around, it's closing tabs on Chrome (web browser) and clicking on random links.

14. Didn't feel even a pinch as the injection needle went into my vein to draw blood for some tests. Eyebrow being pierced five times (excruciatingly, on the last two occasions) and ears being pierced six times, I guess my pain threshold has shot through the roof. 

I was born to be a journalist

How old were you when you tendered your first resignation? Your early 20s? I was nine when I proffered mine. I happen to have a copy of it. Read on. Try not to judge me.

"tention", "jailer". Nice. The sheer frustration that's jumping off the paper indicates how awfully awesome I must have been at making a mountain out of a molehill. I had realised more than a decade ago that I was an obnoxious kid, this resignation letter just confirmed it.

By the way, to this day, I employ (dumb) analogies and metaphors to explain my arguments. Until I stumbled upon my 'resignation' letter, I used to think I picked up these tools when I was striving to improve my English. Now I know better. I was born this way! 

Me at it again
Well, that letter came about when I was in class V. Two years later, the school had pissed me off again. So I shot off another letter. And it's a genuine grievance. I so loathed it when it'd happen.

I didn't need to finish that letter. One day, when the princi(pal) was on rounds, I jumped right in front of him and poured my heart out, to which he just laughed and asked me to go back to my class. That was three much (pun intended).

But, I had raised a genuine issue. Half-yearly exams of class VII. My downward spiral in studies (which became a free fall only in class XI) had not yet begun. Every single mark mattered. I had voluntarily got my two marks deducted in science. From 93, I came down to 91. Was being honest despite the race to the top. And when my female competitors went to get their marks cut, they were told it would be effin adjusted in annual exams! What the hell is that! Biased teacher. Unfair. Boys were being discriminated against.

Unrelated rant
And girls of my class were such phony, backbiting creatures. Ahh... They'd report to our beastly sports teachers almost every time we'd bunk classes and play cricket. All of 11-12 years, but so sadistic. That's how I started hating girls and swore not to talk to those lowly creatures.

Since then, I've had only my boys for company, and we totally rock it! Band of brothers. Ok ok. I concede. One side-effect of choosing not to talk to girls was that I don't quite know yet how to talk to girls. That's why no girlfriend. I don't know what to say after "Nice pic". 

Sorry, drifting off. Yeah, the point is... I wonder how I grew up into a hardcore feminist despite having such pathetic girls as my classmates till the age of 17!

Back on track. More narcissistic anecdotes
Sorry. The actual point was, I always had that journalism-thingy in me. Whenever I was pissed off, I wrote. Captaincy became a burden? Write to principal. Teachers guilty of partiality? Write to principal. Unconsciously though, I believed in the power of the pen. I always had that anti-authority thing in me.

Ahead of the half-yearly exams when we were in class VI, our sadistic class teacher instructed us to stay put in the classroom and study in the games period. Why the hell would we do that! How could she take away our coveted games period! Boys of my class were apprehensive of defying her diktat. I charged them up (was always a leader) and we all had a ball. Literally and figuratively. 

(Yeah, the dumbass girls reported this too to the class teacher, who was then fuming. Called me a rotten fish that spoils the whole pond. But did I care? Ha! Do I ever care!)

Activism/F***tivism
I can narrate n number of such anecdotes. I always had it in me. Netagiri ka keeda. When 'wronged', others would whine, but I'd do something about it. 

S***! This netagiri ka keeda has made me do some stupid things too. When we were in class VII, I had taken a complaint against a guy three years my senior to the principal. What plaint? He was hitting on a girl of my class. Making advances, stalking her. She was scared (or so my friends told me). I reported it to the princi, who referred the matter to the sports teacher, who then beat that guy black and blue.

Five years later, we were class XII students. My friend who had accompanied me to the principal was now himself in love with a junior. So was I. Hehe... We'd bunk our physics lab period together, go to the first floor lavatory and let out cold sighs while drooling upon our love interests, who had their games period that very hour. They'd be playing volleyball/kho-kho or something stupid. The point is, as time had turned the tables on us, we realised how we were wrong in telling on our senior. (Sorry, buddy. We regret that.)

That was one occasion where my zealous side... Ok. Nobody is reading the blog. (And it's getting scarily rhetorical!!) Let me just end it here :P

Bloody phool: More pics from our garden

Who grows potatoes in their kitchen garden! My mom does. We have a lot of vegetables growing in our garden. And some flowers. Ummm... I'm a bit distracted to type much (got my music practice and meditations on mind) so I'll stop writing and post the pics. Will start with flowers. 

Of all the varieties of flowers in our garden. This has to be the one I put above all. 

This pair of flowers screams togetherness. If only people were like this.

These li'l flowers look refreshing.

Now this yellow flower bed. Awesome.

And my undisputed favourite pic of our garden. Just love it!

This thing in background is some rare and exotic plant, I've heard. My mom knows what it's called but I'm too lazy to go into the kitchen and ask its name. But I have one more pic of the plant.

If I end this post with pics of vegetables, it might amount to leaving you with a bad taste in the mouth, given I offered the dessert (the flowers) first. So let me keep one flower picture for the end and bring veggie pictures now. There's not much, though. To start with, here's a snapshot of some of the potatoes we grew in our garden. There was more, but we ate it. Aalu ka parantha :D

This is a bird's eye view of what's growing in one part of the garden. I don't know what's what here. But there's a lot of stuff. Carrots, potatoes, radish, turnip, green leafy vegetables and what not.

And here's a month-old pic of a flower plant, right after it had rained. There's no flower here. Yet. I like how the plants are holding on to water droplets and the droplets are merrily sitting there, cocking a snook at gravity.

After a month or so, the plant gave us this flower. Bloody focus of the phone camera. I just couldn't get it right. The flower looks pretty in person.

Ok. That's it. Tour of our garden ends here. I won't make any effort to hunt for a smart quote to end this blogpost. Dinner is ready. And I don't like thandi rotis. So I'll just post the link of my previous blogpost that had pics of flowers and vegetables growing in our garden. Beautiful flowers' beautiful pics. Done. Going. Bye.

I like my sense of humour :)

I perhaps underrate my sense of humour. A dear friend of mine from school sent me an excerpt from an old email of mine, reminding how funny I can be in unassuming manner. She's one of those rare people like me who enjoy reading and writing long emails. Nine-ten years ago, when we were in college, we used to exchange mails regularly. Lonnnnnnggg emails. This para is from one of those mails:

Really bad that you missed the cut-off by just 7 marks. You see, when I was in 8th class I went to Bilaspur to represent our school in 50 metre freestyle (swimming; at regional level sports) and missed the qualifying time for national by just 2 seconds . So I understand what it means to lose by narrow margin. (Though in reality I missed the qualifying time by 20 seconds, but after studying the topic 'significant figures' I don't give any importance to 0s anymore).

Hahahaha... I'm awesome. By the way, I believe I had missed the qualifying time by two seconds. I think I'd included this 'significant figures' theory only for the purpose of amusement. I miss writing long emails. 

I think the longest I wrote had 5,562 words. I'm sure it was never read. I wrote that in my journalism college. And I had such a hard time meeting the 3,000-words requirement of my master's thesis! Years later, it was normal for me to write 2,000/3,000-word-long mails. And how I loved that! Now there's no one to write to! Man, this is not good.

Why I'm still single

I'm 27. Most of my friends are either married or about to tie the knot. One even had his first child two months ago. But I am still single. Born single. Pehle main bahut pareshan tha. Meri billi bhi mujhse door bhaag jaati thi. I used to ask, "Why me?" Now I realise why me. Because I'm stupid.

Since relocating to my hometown seven months ago, a college friend (a sweet, lovely, SINGLE girl!!) and I have been planning to meet. To woo her, I should plan a fun outing, right? Right. And where was I planning on taking her, until a few minutes ago? To watch the unintentional comedy film MSG: The Messenger of God. Decided this after reading its reviews online. They sport these headlines:

Watch this only if your survival depends on it (Hindustan Times | Read review)
It's the Pitaji of 'so bad it's good', with crackpot writing, direction and acting  (FirstPost | Read review)

It's rating:
Hindustan Times: 0.5/5 (Given to acknowledge the effort of making the film)
The Indian Express: No stars

Just imagine. After seven years, and first time since I started hitting on her, I'm meeting a pretty girl and I take her to a movie whose hero' has curly arm hair that can trap legions of mosquitoes.

That's suicidal. That's why I've never had a girl. Friend. Girlfriend. (Bolne me hi sharam aati hai :P)

Isspider man, Isspider man
Showing a trashy film to a gal pal, hoping she too will love it (and will get impressed with my choice), is a mistake I've made once. This girl doesn't talk to me now.

Exactly one year ago, on the eve of Valentine's Day, this friend visited my house in Bangalore to chill. (V-Day wasn't the reason.) She's beautiful, charming and warm. And single. And what did I do to ensure she has a good time? Played Desi Spiderman on the laptop. She laughed for a couple of minutes, then the movie bored her to sleep. Even when she started dozing off, I didn't have the smarts to bid goodbye to Ispyder bhaiyya and engage her in a conversation. I let her sleep and relished the entire movie. It must have been the third time I was watching that epic movie.

A month later, this friend suddenly stopped talking to me. We hadn't had any spat. She just stopped. I was wondering why. I think now I know. She took out time for me, and I gave her "Ispyder man, ispyder man, toone churaya mere dil ka chain. Dekh ke tere kartab yaara main toh ho gayi teri fan!"

Over the past few months, this girl has started to look more beautiful and charming than ever. When we were friends, we were just friends. Now I'm drawn to her. But all I can do is rue my lost chances. All because of the stupid Ispyder bhaiyya whose chest logo reads "Kanha Milk".

Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam...
My stupidity in the girls' department is legendary. About six years ago, when a friend (girl) snapped ties with me and just won't talk, I sent her an e-mail. It had links of two YouTube videos. One was yesteryear's ballad: "Teri galiyon me na rakhenge kadam... Aaj ke baad". The other was: "Chaahoonga main tujhe saanjh-sawere, phir bhi kabhi ab naam ko tere, awaaz main na doonga." And I wasn't trying to be funny. I was earnestly trying to express my dejection.

My profound moronity embarrasses me. No wonder my luck never shone. And it's highly unlikely to shine. Even if a girl gets interested in me (what a joke!), it's gonna be like this, most probably:
She: "Hey, let's go to this pub some day."
Me: "Ummm... How about somewhere else? I find pubs too loud and dingy."
She: "Ok, let's check out this new fine dine restaurant."
Me: "That must be too expensive. Moreover, I don't prefer eating outside."
She: "That's alrite. Where do you want to go?"
Me: "Any South Indian eatery, like Daya Sagar Darshini. Or Indian Coffee House. I love their masala dosa."
She: "Hahahaha... Let's meet at Cafe Coffee Day."
Me: "Ok, but I won't have anything there. I don't take tea-coffee."
She: "Get lost."

Grammar Nazi
My situation looks bleak. Not only because of my eccentricities, but also because I'm a journalist. A girl who speaks/writes incorrect English, immediately rejected. Only Pakistani cricketers can make bad English look cute (see this). 

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
—John Illsey Clarke

P.S. Click here to watch Desi Spiderman on YouTube. You'll love it!

Movie review: Desi Spiderman is a beacon of brilliance. Superhero movies? Make in India

Oh my God, this movie is so so so so funny. It's ominous-epic. Just like the cult movie Andaz Apna Apna, it will keep you laughing from the first scene to the last. Even after the movie is over, you're unlikely to come out of the delirium. Or bewilderment. Depending on how you take it.

I love this movie so much that when a PYT came to meet me on the eve of Valentine's Day last year, instead of indulging her in something interesting, I played this movie for her. For, I find nothing more interesting than Desi Spiderman. A month later, this girl stopped talking to me. S*** happens. I'm a staunch devotee of this cult classic nevertheless.

If you're a Hindi-speaking Indian with an online presence, it's likely you've seen the video of the iconic title song. The moment you see "KANHA MILK" on the superhero 'costume' where you were expecting spidey logo, you realise you're on to something legendary. 

Before getting his superpowers, our desi Peter Parker (Shyam) is a boy in a man's body. He lisps, plays marbles with village boys, and is a burden on his old mother. He's a method actor. That's why, even in the dream sequence when our Mary Jane (Radha) is fantasising him, he stands like a retard. 

Radha is simply awesome. When not getting molested, she lies on her bed, stares into the camera and fantasises men. She gets incredibly turned on when the lisping retard that Shyam is removes a thorn from her foot. YouTube users are startled:

• i neva knew touching feet gves orgasm...lemme tell mi bf to touch my feet lol
• I thought he was just taking out a thorn? what's happening??? lol
• Ah!
  Kya hua?Orgasm
• "ladha" is one horny chic....tofee bhi deti hai....
• bhais ki aankh itne bure din aa gaye hai is video ko dekhkar m***h maarna pad raha hai :(

The USP of this movie is the avalanche of unintentional humour, which unleashes itself every single time the actors open their mouth. Remember the mystery surrounding Monkey Man attacks in Delhi years ago? Upon seeing our Isspider bhaiyya, the villains conclude he's that Monkey Man, and initially dismiss him as "Nakabposh Bandar". Those who have watched it can't stop gushing about it, like this YouTube user: 

• "nakabposh bandar.....abey tune bohat public maar di hai apni dehsat se...main tere se na darooo..." hahahaha epic....!!!!!

The movie is replete with powerful dialogues that leave an impression on viewers. Some YouTube users are die-hard fans of the magic:

• Desi Spiderman: "Haraamjaade, jaake apne us padosi mulk ke aaka se nu keh diye ke thara chacha Desi Spiderman mila vahan, ar us se nu kehiye ke ya to apni harkato se baaj aa ja, nahin to vahin aa ke ghusand itne bajaunga ke saala pada pada salaam karega" Legend hahaha :D
• o radha,,,,i luv u radha,,...hahahhaha...ultimate dialouges
• Spider Ji: Bhul jao mjhe... Radha: Tumne kitni aasani se keh dia mein tumhe bhul jau....bhala dil bhi kahi dhadkna bhul sakta hai... :D :D
• meri aankho me aansu aa jate hai jab bhi is movie ko dekhta hu... so touching

Yes, there indeed are some emotional scenes. Isspider bhaiyya almost breaks up with Radha, as he doesn't want to endanger her life. After all, he has bullock cart-riding, four-bags-looting comical goons plotting to throw cold water on him (ah, don't ask). He decides to break up after he visits Radha's father, to talk about their rishta. Uncle ji asks him for tea. A YouTube user made an astute observation here: "aby ye chai kesy peye ga...haryanvi dump ass :D" Indeed. With that mask on his face, how?  

Action better than The Matrix
Action in the movie is amazing (Click here to check out a fight sequence). When Isspider bhaiyya is bashing up goons, the rest of the gang waits—with a smile on their faces—to be hit. His power kicks, the replays, the background score... They all come together to create pure magic.

There's glamour too. Desi Spiderman has a female Samba, called Reshma. Her dance on Dhoom Macha Le is an aberration in the movie. For, it's genuinely good. But forget about drooling upon her. The moment she opens her mouth, you'll be reminded of those ganwaar aunties in sleeper-class Indian trains. And the 'sensuous' shots in the songs are so tacky that they end up making you laugh instead of titillating you.

There's so much to this masterpiece. I won't disclose how Shyam got his superpowers or if he and our Mary Jane (the horny Radha) get back together. Don't want to include any spoiler. Instead of saying more, I'll leave you with these YouTube comments. Read and enjoy, and then watch the movie and enjoy (the link's at the bottom of the article). You'll thank me for it.

• it even starts with an OM , poor shiv, what has he done to deserve this.
• this is why they should never leave cameras in villages in our country -_-
• Yeh bhaiye log ke pass aur kuch kaam nahi ki yeh bakwaas film bana rahe hai!
• Why in movies always abnormal handicapped guys get women and superpowers?
• Why is he called Spiderman when he has no powers or anything related to a spider lol
• Shyam bachao shyam bachao to tine dheere chilla rahi hai k Shyam bhi theek se na sun paye.
• Desi spider man is strong and beats the shit of the bad guys, he is my hero, lol Indians have creativity. American spiderman cant disappear, but the Desi Spiderman can... Way to guys - user from USA
• I like how the hero is just standing like he has no clue what is happening around during Cham cham barsa paani
• I like how they randomly show the movie's name every now and then throughout the clip! LOL..
• The background singing is also truly groundbreaking! :D
• This movie changed my life!

Then there are some who went into a state of shock upon watching the movie.

• NONONO! This cant be true! :|
• What the fucketty fuck am i watching
• bhaii maine kaunse paap kiye hai jo ye din dekhne ko mil rahe hai woh bhi london mei baith kar,, ha ha ha ha ha lmao :D :D
• ahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha .....main coma me chala jaunga :D
• story theek hai actor ko dkh ker dil kerta ha apny ap ko goli mar loon
• koi mujhy suiside karne ka tareka bataye ga.. after watching one part on this movie i lost my mental balnce plzzzzzzz
• HOW ARE U RADHA" BHAAN KA **** OXFORD KA GRADUATE HAI YO DESI SPIDERMAN,,, i want to kill myself aftr seeing this :( :( :((
• i m going to suicide... and i hate spiders i hate all insects i hate animals i hate myself
• after watching that i killed my pc !!
• ma ki ankh sala ye kya he ! me mar dunga kisiko aj ye dekh ke.
• do me and our country a favour.....Find this spiderman,the actress and the director!!! Knock the shit out of them ........skin them and than bury them 1000 feet below the ground!!!!

And there were a profound statements as well from YouTube users.

• Still better movie than "Twilight"
• This spiderman should feature in the avengers sequel
• man behind mask is tushar kapoor

Hahaha... YouTube users are amazing. Don't ridicule our Isspider bhaiyya. He has a good heart. When a school boy misses his bus, he ensures that the boy reaches the school before the bus does. When Spidey's mom is not looking, he wrings the laundry and puts them on the clothesline in seconds. And he's a patriot. He salutes the tiranga in one scene after bashing up the baddies. We want to see more of Isspider bhaiyya. I definitely do! 

Many YouTube comments say they now want to see a desi Batman. One user suggests our desi Bruce Wayne can be owner of a cowshed, to put him on par with his millionaire counterpart. I do wish to see more such stuff from these guys! Till then, I will feast upon this masterpiece they have created. If you too want to join me in the fan-dom, click here to watch the epic movie.

“Haiku about getting out of bed:

no no no no no

no no no no no no no

no no no no no”
—Anonymous

A good day with friends

These days, I'm in Balco. I've never written a blog post about Balco, a big township where I grew up, spent the first 17 years of my life. Studied in the same school, with the same idiots from class I to XII. The place I call home. Because home is where the heart is.

I'm in Balco to record our songs, for our band. It's with my school friend that I'm starting the band. He's got a home studio made in his new house and we've started recording our songs. 

The last time I was in Balco, it was about seven years ago. It feels so good to be here. I won't even attempt describing how good. Some feelings are so fine and beautiful that I'm wary my description of them with mere words will be underwhelming. 

This post will be a quick one, because I'm juggling our band's social media work right now. Won't have taken up this blog post, but yesterday was such a good day, I have to record it. Though I've been in Balco for two weeks now, I hadn't stepped out of my friend's house. It's only yesterday that I went for a stroll, saw my old house. Whoa... That feeling! The house where I grew up. That's the house where I was so young and stupid that I used to wet bed, my sister used to dress me up in her frilly frocks, I used to run out in them, used to pee on my neighbours when they'd hold the baby-me. The house where, as a teenager, I developed a love for pop music. Listening to the ballads and croonings all day, convinced that those melodies were conveying my feelings.

Ha! Like I'd said, I shouldn't attempt to describe those feelings. 

Yeah, so yesterday was a wonderful day. Why? Firstly, because I saw my old house after soooo long. It brought back such a rush of memories. Walking a li'l further in our lane, I found a litter of pups hiding under a car. Just like those good 'ol days when we were kids, and there would be puppies everywhere. Our evening playtime meant mollycoddling those pups. I tried getting hold of the pups yesterday, but they didn't come to me. In fact, a nearby cow charged towards me, perhaps thinking I was there to harm the pups. Was so good to be there. I'll visit my old place regularly now for my remaining stay here. I hope I do get to befriend those pups.

The second reason the day was great was because, well, I spotted a BEAUTIFUL girl in Balco! That was while returning to my friend's house after visiting my old place. Hair in a pony tail, dressed in a black jacket and capri-length slacks, she looked like... Man! You don't get to see a girl that beautiful in Balco. You get to see a girl that beautiful in Bangalore, where I stayed for six years. To see suchhhh a beautiful, attractive young woman in Balco was such a high! Such a high! Can't tell. Because usually for bird-watching, Chhattisgarh is a biiiiiiiiig disappointment. She's like an oasis in this desert. I think I'll fall.... No thinking. *Budbudbudbudbud* But I'll visit that place again, the same time, to catch hold of her. Perhaps. Most likely.

Thirdly, I visited a school friend who became papa two weeks ago. He was blessed with a son two days before his birthday. You know what makes it all the more better? He's married to a girl from our class. School friends, got married, and now stepped into parenthood. Such a special moment for them! I'm so happy I got to visit them. Held his li'l son in my arms. But the chhotu champ started crying when I took him in my arms :-/ Is it because of the half-dozen piercings on my face?

Fourth reason: At the stroke of midnight, we (my friend with whom I'm staying, his brother and I) went to the house of another school-time friend, to wish him a happy birthday. And we did wish him the way friends do. Birthday-bump style! Oh, we even got a video of the bromance-action-comedy moment. Such a pleasure it was to kick his ass. Wuhahahahaha... Mind you, it's cold in this part of the country, and it's mid-December. I put on my shoes, went to his house, kicked him, punched him, pounded him. And so did my friend. Ah, what a pleasure! The best part is that it's all recorded on the camera. Bliss. Pure bliss! Wish I could post the video here. But I shouldn't, so you'll have to make do with this photograph. I love my friends!

And the best part about yesterday, I recorded my vocals for a song! There's a reason the phrase "last but not the least" is in vogue. My first recording! And my music composer friend seemed satisfied with the takes. First song! Lead vocals! This is important, man! I'm not a trained musician, and have acquired a lot of bad singing habits by years of casual singing. Despite all that I could give a satisfactory take, hugely relieving. 

As I've got the band's social media pages to handle right now, I'll be quick and end this post here. Here's hoping I improve by leaps and bounds in music. And here's hoping I spend a lot more quality time with friends. We all grew up together. From when we were perhaps crying on day one of nursery school, to checking out girls together in class XII. It's a special bond. Will last forever. I hope I meet more of them, more often, and we make more memories to cherish and laugh about.

Our kitchen garden pics

As I've recently bought a smartphone, I thought I should post some pics. In this post, I'm uploading a few pics of our garden. We have quite some variety in our garden, have captured just a minuscule part in these pics. More pics later, as the season of other fruits and vegetables comes. 

I'll kick off this post with images of snake gourd. This creeper (as in creeper plant, not as in "Hemant's such a creepo!") yielded easily more than two quintals of the mineral-rich vegetables. And we hadn't even planted it. Some relative who had come to our house had just discarded the seeds near the mango tree. The soil is super fertile, so we got a healthy creeper that climbed up the mango tree and yielded soooo many gourds. You know, once when we were kids, there was water shortage in Doon. That time, our parents used to dig a small ditch around the mango tree for us and that's where we used to...

Sorry. This post is about pics, not words. Let me start.

How many chilli plants can you spot here?

I love this pic. It's so refreshing to see chillies growing in such abundance!

This vegetable has a beautiful name, tastes well if you cook it well, and looks just as beautiful. What pretty flower. Can you make out the ladiesfingers in the background? Ok, I was avoiding taking the name of the vegetable. I'm not sure whether it's called ladiesfingers or ladyfingers. No clue if it's two words or one word. 

Now, a few pics of Jack's girlfriend.

Don't tell me you didn't get the joke! 

It's a bad idea to cap up these beautiful pics with this one, but I'm too lazy to scroll up and put it up with vegetables. The collection of a few vegetables we grow in our kitchen

I just clicked pics, played no part in growing them. Just that I help mom with plucking these snakegourds, which hang high from the mango tree. 

By the way, a day after I put up these pics, this beautiful flower blossomed, so I captured its picture (at mom's insistence). So now I don't have to end this post with pics of snakegourd, bittergourd, chillies etc. This pic is beautiful.

What women want

The world would be so much happier if men knew how to impress women. No, spraying deo doesn't help. A sweet-smelling jerk will still be a jerk. So, what can guys do to get attention of women, besides being rich and handsome?

We need to know women's viewpoint. Guys helping each other out in this regard doesn't inspire confidence. When one of my best friends wanted to celebrate the second month anniversary of his proposal-acceptance and was wondering what to gift her, I suggested buying a kilogram of potatoes or onions. I reasoned it's so different, so freaky that she'll remember it forever. I think I had almost talked him into buying it. But there's a fat chance my idea might not have worked. 

A few days ago, I was chatting with a girl-friend (a hot girl I have a crush on, not girlfriend. Yet.) and she happened to mention a few traits of men that attract her. She mentioned just one, but I, like a good journalist, got her talking and came out of this interview like a diver who emerges out of a sweet-water sea with a pocketful of pearls. Aha! Nice analogy, but too many commas. 

This may not be a one-size-fits-all list, but does give an idea of what may work with girls. (Pssst! She's beautiful, hot and much-in-demand girl. So her thought matters.) Oh, now too many hyphens. Let's get started.

1. Stubble
Her words: "Ya, stubs are a turn on to me. Big time."
But I look like a pickpocket when not clean-shaven.

2. Height
"Tall guy, turn on."
Yay! I'm six feet tall!

Ok, she and I were talking about turn-ons here. Throughout. Not merely things that attract her. I was going to mention "turn-on" in the second para, but thought of making this blogpost PG-friendly. Point 4 will illustrate this post can't be kid-friendly. So I'll let the censoring be. Kids shouldn't be googling "What women want" anyway.

3. Deep baritone
She said she finds manly voice quite a turn-on. I interjected, saying like my voice.
"Your voice is verry cute types
Fatherly
Haha
Its not rough"
Sigh

4. Ass you like it
"A cute small butt
Turn on."
Hahahaha... Reminds me of the Eminem song. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it, I've never seen ass like that, the way you move it," Ok, not the next line of the song. We still gotta maintain some decency. But guys, start running your ass off. 

5. Gummy bears. Kidding. Bear hugs
"Bear hugs turn on"
I thought hugs are just loving. Are they a turn-on to some? Ok, I'm not qualified to answer. Don't have much experience. Oh, do we mean here bear hugs that lead to... What am I... I've... Next point.

6. Hide 'n' Seek. Not the biscuit
"Crooked smiles
Turn on
Crooked matlab hiding while u smile
Coz men usually avoid to smile
Door se chupchupkr dekhna and pretending like u were not looking at me, turn on"
I tried practising in front of a mirror, but haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I grin like The Cheshire Cat.
But this part, looking while pretending not to look, you gotta make sure not to be so discreet that she never finds out you were looking. (This girl never got to know when I checked her out.)

7. Abey khamosh! 
"Asking me to shutup so u could speak, turn on
Hakk jatana, in a good way, turn on
Hakk se daantna, turn on"
I've never asked a girl to shut up. Sigh. Nice guys finish last. (After finishing reading, watch this music video, Nice Guys. It's funny.)

8. Get mad at her
"Kabhi kabhi gussa hona so I can manao, turn on
I am very good at manaoing"
After this chat, I began to realise why I've always been single. I stay polite: don't interrupt when someone's speaking, don't lose temper. God, where's the reward for being good? 

As I was wallowing in self-pity, that observing niceties goes unrewarded, she clarified.
"You shouldnt, agar concern hai toh dikhao, chillao, get mad at me, I like that
Coz I do the same
That's jjust a way of showing love"
I can't lose my temper. I've found it.

9. Intimacy (Yay!)
"I like it when the guy is putting his head on my lap, but once in a blue moon I'd like to put mine on his"
"Back hugs, I like"
continued...
Completely agree. So loving. Sigh... (Why sigh? I'm wallowing in self-pity again.)

10. That dress's inappropriate!
"Asking me to wear something to cover my body, in certain situations, I like
Giving me a long bhashan if am doing something wrong, I like"
By this point, I was thoroughly convinced mera kuch nahi ho sakta. I'm highly unlikely to tell a girl what to wear. About what she's wearing, I'll open my mouth only when she wants to hear she's looking great. Or in the rare case of wardrobe malfunction.
And, if she's doing something I think is wrong, I'll merely tell her my viewpoint no more than two times. Anything more than that, I believe, is nagging. Do I get the brownie points here or does this make me too nice to be, you know? 

11. Chivalry
"Lending me his jacket when am cold"
FINALLY! Oh, I will use all caps here. At last, something about me that works. 

12. Intimacy (...continued)
"Sharing the same blanket
I like to sleep on his chest or one hand
I just love it
Like when two ppl sleep, there shouldn't be a distance
Cuddling or spooning"
continued...
This is a hypothetical plus point for me. Because me getting this close to a girl is a hypothetical situation. But how I'd love to... No! Can't write more. My parents stalk me online and think I'm crazy.


13. Flattery
"I love, absolutely love when a guy kisses on my forehead
Shows the love, concern, respect
If he notices the number of tils, moles or marks I have all over my body
It just shows how much hes been noticing me
Feels good"
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Showering affection. Love, concern, respect. Paying attention, noticing. My saving grace. 

14. PDA
"I like to hug from the side if we are in public and just standing
Looks cute
So my head on the chest or arm of the guy, if it's the other way round, even better
Like i said, I can be motherly all the time
It's weird though
But I like it"
I can just let out a cold sigh. Totally agree with her. Another hypothetical plus point to me.

15. Sadda haq, what the Donald Duck!
"I like to hakk jamao and say ki do this, do that, this is better and all
I want to point out things
I like it
But if it's the other way round, even better"
We're treading on thin ice here. There's a fine line between hakk jamana and nagging. As I go by the mantra of "Better safe than sorry", I'm not sure how I'll fare here.

16. What?!?
"I Do this alot, not talking but still doing usual things when am mad..haha"
I don't get it. What? That's why they say, it's tough to understand a woman.

17. Walk and talk
"Long walks, I can never get bored
Talk talk and talk, I like it when two ppl talk things all the time
Even if it includes arguing
Argumenting is my department"
Thank you, God. I'm infamous for making friends walk. When a friend comes to visit me from another city, usually another warns him about not letting me talk him into going for a walk. 
Arguing, ummm... I like being amicable all the time.

18. Careless whisper. Nah, just careless
"He should be careless about his stuff, so am there to take care off"
And my roommates know me for keeping even months of read newspapers so immaculately in a stack that one would think they're fresh out of press. Growing up, I had read a quote that impressed me: "A place for everything, everything at its place." This quote should have had an asterisk, saying "Conditions apply." Time for me to let out another sigh.

19. Be a sissy. Sorry. Fussy
"So guys act all tough when in public with their frnds but act like total fussy kids in front of their girls, love it
So u know how much he looks upto u"
How do I relate to this tough-fussy paradox! I play the fool with my friends all the time and have never had a girl. Wait! Playing the fool always? Maybe that's why none of the girl-friends ever became interested to be the girlfriend. (The real reason: I made all the girl-friends sister. By the time I wisened up and stopped making sisters, new friends started making me their brother. #KyaKaregaPanduJabKismatHai_____)

20. Ask her out. Not that way
"Oh I like when am asked for my opinion on something imp"
Yeah, yeah. Massaging the ego, giving the feeling of importance. I'm really good at that. I'm awesome at it.

21. Pappis
"Every sane girl, would choose pecks over kisses"
And every insane guy would choose pecks over kisses. Hahahaha...
Ok, just kidding.

Points 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 15, 16, 18 and perhaps 19 too are not in my favour. Considering we've listed intimacy twice, there are 20 points. Even if I claim benefit of doubt for the hypothetical-situation questions, I score less than half the points. No wonder, all girl-friends are sisters. Mera kya hoga!

Why did I include point 4 here! #thinkingoutloud #nevermind #amicrazy #notetoselfshutup. Ah, too many hashtags.

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin